*eep, eep

Quite Quickly

2010-03-18T19:48:00.001-07:00

The Arcade Fire Pandora station is pretty badass.
I’ve started jogging, and I hate it. Immensely.
There’s a distinct possibility that my dear friend Allison will visit me in May. I’m overjoyed at the thought.
This weekend, I will be seeing Ben Gibbard and She + Him play in Austin. At the very least. Be jealous.
Over the last month, I’ve been experimenting with eye-liner. Its… adventurous, and the jury will always be out on it.
Lesson learned from last night: don’t take me to a bar with a dance floor and NOT dance with me.
My brackets were auto-filled due to my lack of time; I’m not sure what happened and where I stand. (These things confuse me.)
And finally—if you haven’t seen it yet here is Lady Gaga’s "Telephone" video.

Holler!

UPDATE: 1/19

2010-01-19T18:15:00.000-08:00

Sweet kittens! Its been a looooong time since I've even logged in! My dear friend Allison tagged me in a note on Facebook, and I think that I'll oblige. :)

Using only song names from ONE ARTIST, cleverly answer these questions. Pass it on to 20 people including me. You can't use the band I used. Try not to repeat song titles. It's a lot harder than you think! Repost as "My Life According to (BAND NAME)" if you want.

PICK YOUR ARTIST
Regina Spektor
..........................

.....................................

Are You Male or Female?
Pavlov's Daughter
................................................................

Describe Yourself:
Poor Little Rich Boy
................................................................

How Do You Feel?
Human of the Year
................................................................

Describe Where You Currently Live:
Hotel Song
.................................................................

If You Could Go Anywhere, Where Would You Go:
Summer In The City
.................................................................

Your Favorite Form Of Transportation:
Chemo Limo
..................................................................
Your Best Friend:
Genius Next Door
...........................................................................

Your Best Skill:
I Want To Sing
............................................................................

Your Favorite Color Is:
Blue Lips*
............................................................................

What's The Weather Like?
20 Years of Snow
..............................................................................

If Your Life Was A TV Show, What Would It Be Called?
Man Of A Thousand Faces
...............................................................................

What Is Life For You?
Reading Time With Pickle
...............................................................................

Your Relationships:
Fidelity
...............................................................................

Looking For:
Ghost Of Corporate Future
...............................................................................

Have:
Musicbox
..............................................................................

Wouldn't Mind:
Sunshine
.............................................................................

Your fear :
2.99 Cent Blues
.............................................................................

What Is The Best Advice You Have To Give?
One More Time With Feeling
.............................................................................

If You Could Change Your Name, What Would You Change It To?
Mary Ann
............................................................................

Thought For The Day:
Ain't No Cover
.............................................................................

How would you like to die?
Bobbing For Apples
.............................................................................

My Soul's Present Condition:
Better
.............................................................................

Something bad happened to you:
Back Of A Truck
......................................................................

Regrets:
Samson

*My favorite color is actually green.

These things are always fun. I had to think about who I would choose; Matt or Regina. I've been singing Regina literally all day long.

Ian and I are in the arduous process of looking for an apartment or house to rent. Its... a challenge, just like last time. But this time around, we actually have the opportunity to drive around and look at stuff together. That's fun. We're both in agreement that no, we will not live in the ghetto. However, other than that, we're still at a crossroad.

I am in the midst of a big change at work. I'm so very excited and giddy and humbled. However, at the same time, I'm kind of sad. No, not sad. Just... oh, well something. Change is always a difficult thing for me (despite what my family thinks). I think that I'll fare well.

I've realized what my.... whatever.... has been. I've been becoming more of a mental-shut-in over the last few years. Yes, years. Its just that the effects are becoming more tangible for me now. I picked up a notebook recently, just to pen a few thoughts in, and I couldn't come up with anything. Is this a good thing or not so much? I'm still trying to sort that out.

One of my dear friends made some t-shirts for Haiti. All of the net profits are going directly to relief efforts. I'm going to get one after payday. Get one here. (Ian just called me a bleeding heart hippie. I think that's the sweetest thing he's ever said to me.)

Okay, its a rare night where Ian and I are both home. I'm getting off here.

In the mood for snow.

2009-12-06T07:23:00.000-08:00

It was supposed to snow here the other day. I'm fairly certain that, aside from my cynicism concerning said weather event, no one was as excited as me about that prospect. One of my absolute FAVORITE childhood memories is from when I was in the fifth or sixth grade (I think), and it snowed like two feet in one night. All of the schools were shut down for days. It was magical. I remember walking out to Roosevelt Middle School, and just playing and playing and playing. Yes, I love snow. I love how much fun it is to make snowballs and snowmen. I even love snow-forts (just not in the front yard; my dear brother can tell you about that one). I guess that my idea of "snow" is a lot different than everyone else in the 210/830/512 area. We got flurries. It lasted for about twenty minutes. And you know what? I was really, really bummed by it. Everyone else was giddy and childlike and excited because it was "snowing" and I was left with my numerous memories of what real snow feels like.

Oh well.

Maybe, one of these days Ian and I will live somewhere where it snows a lot, and we can build snow-families and such. Just not in the front yard.

Sweetly of Late.

2009-11-11T16:11:00.000-08:00

I'm sorry that I really haven't been around lately. I've been... busy. You know, with gettin' married, and having long-lost-family-reunions and such. Its been really exciting.

I think after Thanksgiving, when I have a moment, I'll write something a little more... Something. You know. But for right now, I have a husband waiting to snuggle, and a queue of Dr Who episodes to watch...

Everyone, have a wonderful Thanksgiving.

Bare.

2009-10-21T18:51:00.000-07:00

I'm making dinner right now. And listening to music. And chasing the kittens around the apartment.

I threw some chicken on the stove to cook in olive oil. I added some green onions and sugar peas to it. And some more garlic + olive oil. It smelled so lovely. I finally cut up a giant tomato, and added it to my.... something. There's got to be a name for it, right? Chicken and veggies? I don't know. But I can't wait to eat it.

I just watched that "cat cheated on his girlfriend" video on You Tube (its two words, right?). As expected, the kittens did NOT like it. Poor Charlie. He's such a baby.

One of my favorite Death Cab songs just came on. "Passenger Seat". Mmm.

I'm really very anxious|nervous|excited|etc about next week. That's a good thing, right? It almost has to be. Its really unfortunate that I'm one of those "worst case scenario" people. That's all that I can think about; what could really go wrong and such. My mind is such a dangerous thing at times.

I've got little bitty cuts all over my hands. Its awful. There is one in particular that worries me. Ugh.

The other day, I asked Ian if he would still love me if I didn't age well. Where do these things come from?! (Actually, it came from a conversation I had with Katie...) In hindsight, I'm humored by this. And all of the rest of it. (These things happen quite often. Believe it or not, but I'm the most insecure person you'll probably meet.)

I'm sorry to disappoint. My last post was so... This is just... Well, this is straight stream of thought. I've gotten up several times since sitting down. (I really don't want my dinner to burn.) Charlie is now sleeping on my left arm, making it near impossible to type. Its a sign; I should be reading.

Oh, and in case you were wondering, dinner is perfect. Its... well, its wonderful. I'm particularly proud of how beautifully the sugar peas cooked. Seriously.

I'm driving to beautiful, fabulous Las Vegas on Tuesday (by that I mean someone else other than myself), so I'm exceedingly open to any music/playlist suggestions. Seriously. Its a twenty-four hour drive and I'm not looking forward to it.
Oh, and Regina Spektor is playing in Austin on my birthday. (!!!) So, if anyone REALLY loves me... I'll leave it at that.

"Accidental Deth"

2009-10-11T15:02:00.000-07:00

Its raining right now. Its so nice and drizzly. Call me crazy, but I love the way that the rain-smell is mingling with the garlic-smell of my cooking. (I'm trying my hand at chicken chili for dinner. We'll see if its a success...)

What's today? Its October 11, 2009. And it feels like it. That ordinarily wouldn't be such an extraordinary statement. However, I've spent the last six months wondering if Texas is just another name for hell. Because its been that hot here. (You know me, I'm miserable in the heat.) But for today, its like a glorious Northern paradise. While everyone else is dying from the "cold", I'm relishing it. And loving it.

I feel like I magically, mysteriously and inexplicably entered "middle aged". Mentally, that is. What I mean is.... Oh, hell. I don't know what I mean by that. I went to a party last weekend. On the way there, as I sat in the passenger seat, I felt like being sick with anxiety. I just can't do that stuff anymore. I'll take a Friday night at home with a pizza any day now. I just want to know what's happened to me. I'm a 21-year old woman. Who would rather read a book on the couch with classical music playing in the background than go to a bar.

I'm not complaining. I promise. I'm just... Probing.

Long lost moment

2009-09-30T18:17:00.001-07:00

Where oh where have I been? I'm looking back on this month, as it comes to a close, and I really don't remember much. Not because I'm living one of those crazy, rock 'n roll lifestyles or anything. Its really quite the opposite. I like that. A lot.

I really want to "talk" about my life. All of the mundane things that I've done. All of the exciting things I'm doing, and the terrifying and wonderful things that are coming up. However, I feel kind of like... Its all mine. I don't like to share. I'm very jealous with what's "mine". My secrets and my goings-on are all mine, and I really don't want to share tonight.

Okay, though. Here is something. I'm streaming the soundtrack for Where The Wild Things Are right now. Its not epic or anything. However, it is nice. Its... Very pleasant. Very sweet. I've never ever been a fan of Karen O. Ever. She's too... harsh for me. But this is sweet, to be redundant.

I am going to close with a list. An epic-somethings list.
"Wake Up" -Arcade Fire, wells, buttons, sheer things, cucumber lotions, list-books, pumpkin spiced lattes, citre-shine shampoo & conditioner, unicorns, string quartets, fall weather (IN TEXAS!!!), and kittens sleeping in shirt-drawers.

In between spaces

2009-09-06T11:44:00.000-07:00

This morning, I awoke with a start. It kind of sounded like someone was breaking into my apartment, and doing so noisily. As it turned out, it was the cats being rowdy, and the lady above me being obnoxious. (And yes, my door was locked, too.)

Fast-forward.

I am sitting in El Jalisco drinking an iced tea ( I rarely drink iced tea, truth be told) and reading The Story of Britain, a monster of a book detailing the history of Great Britain from the Romans and on. (Its daunting and tedious, but I'm enjoying it.) There's this buzzing sound. It ended up being a dragonfly that had somehow found its way inside and was trying to get back outside. I caught it, and took it outside.

You know, they're good luck. At least, that's what I've always been told. And my mom loves them. I think that's how/why I'm so partial to them myself. Its childish, but I think that they look magical.

Today, I caught up on some "chores" that I usually neglect. It felt good. I feel like going to Landa Park and just sitting there with a drawing book. I used to do that when I was younger. Before I felt so burdened with responsibility and adult-ness. Not that I regret growing up or anything (because it has its great advantages), its just that I sometimes yearn for that little girl part of me. Its such a simple desire, and I'm sure that everyone experiences this same feeling, this same need.

What time does the flea-market close? I wanna go. I haven't been to a flea market in probably 15 years. (That makes me feel really really really old). I've got $10, and maybe I can find something kitschy. Or maybe I'll hold off until next weekend so that Katie-bell can come along. I feel a $20 thrift adventure coming on. Little adventures.

On second thought, I think that I'll go sit by the pool with my book. Its the tail-end of summer and I've barely stepped foot in that thing. Luckily for me, I guess, it stays summer year-round here.

One note, two notes.

2009-08-31T20:33:00.000-07:00

The library in my town had a grand-opening day on Saturday. Ian and I went to check it out, and my-oh-my! It was beautiful! He wasn't very impressed with the selection of books (he wasn't impressed in the first place, with the old library either), however I was just ecstatic. I love the way books feel. And smell. Weird, I know. But its just... There's something very beautiful about an old book. I ended up checking out four very different books. One novel, one biography, one historical (a book about the entire history of Great Britain! Eee!), and one play. I'm reading the novel, and its... Its just straight depressing. So far. I've been told by friends to persevere, however.
Speaking of books. I've been making a dent in my own personal collection. This week, I finished up The Memory Keeper's Daughter. It was good, but just not my kind of book. For those that know me in any capacity, know what I mean. I'm just so hungry right now. And I think that it shows more so than I would like to admit.
I found this and think that its absolutely brilliant! (ps, thanks Nicole! I stole it from your Facebook page!) And silly.
I'm working a ten day stretch right now. And it sucks. Something fierce. I'm greatly looking forward to my weekend. Friday night cannot come fast enough!

bum-bum-da-bum

2009-08-26T15:03:00.000-07:00

I haven't been very "inspired" lately. Whatever that means. I know I've delved into that fact before. It makes me feel "less than", sadly. I was talking to my dear friend, Katie about this, and I reached a conclusion. I don't have a space of my own. And I haven't in years. I've got an apartment, but its not mine. Its a lame excuse, but its not an excuse. Its the explanation. The "OH!" moment.

I've been trying to clean up my iTunes library. Sadly, I've been taking a lot of things off. Like my Sufjan collection. That second album from Aqualung. "11:11" from Regina (I only liked one song off of the entire album!). I hate feeling like I've acquired all of this music, just to say that I've got it. I might be a lot of things, but I'm not one of those people.

And, speaking of music, I found this a moment ago. Its interesting. So far, I'm on page five, and I'm pleasantly surprised.

You know what I haven't done in a long, long time? I haven't updated my resume. Which I plan on doing in about ten minutes. (Of course, I've been saying that for the last six months. I'm terrible when it comes to procrastination.)

Right now, I like...
Dexter (Showtime, not the cartoon), grey in all shades, trumpets, side-buns, black coffee, chocolate ice-cream, fizzy water, NetFlix, various wedding blogs, Time magazine, night-shower-morning-hair, simple stud-earrings, Bell X1, and presentations.

One last rant, I promise.

2009-08-19T15:00:00.000-07:00

I keep getting these emails and forwards and messages and posts about politics. About how "evil" democrats & Obama are. About how this "Christian nation" is being dragged to hell, because of "our sinfulness". And so on, so on.

You know what? I'm tired of it. Really. Sincerely. I cannot remember the last time that a "Republican" could intelligently defend their beliefs. Seriously. And yet, I feel like I'm constantly being forced to do so for mine. My crazy, immoral political beliefs. I don't care what kind of "Socialist" agenda Congress is trying to pass. (Do these people who tout that word even know what it means?!) I don't care that this Health Reform Bill was co-authored by Satan himself. Or that Sarah Palin is Christ incarnate.

Last week, I had this crazy bitch (oh yeah, that's what she was) send me an email, attacking my sister and I (because if your profile picture includes another female, you're obviously a lesbian. Obviously), and then attempting to attack my political and religious beliefs. I was more irritated than anything.

Because you know what? If you want to have a discussion about anything under the sun, at least have the decency to be informed about whatever it may be.

That's the thing. That's the kicker.

Being informed.

I, personally, might not support one opinion or whatever. But I'll at least have spent the time it takes to understand that particular point of view. Before I make an informed decision about that opinion. Before I form my own.

Does that make me weird? I hope not. I wish that that particular way of thinking wasn't so... rare. I wish that my generation, for all of its outspoken-ness, was more aware.

(And you know what, about that crazy lady? I responded to her rebuttals concerning SOCAS with various legal and Constitutional references, and all that she could say was "I didn't even bother reading this novel you sent". That's the real shame.)

If I could change one thing about American society, it would be our sense of apathy. Our lack of awareness. Our willingness to accept what's being spoon-fed to us by both sides of the Media. (Because, I've found that the Conservative media outlets are the best at spewing misinformation. Not that I watch Fox News, or listen to Conservative talk-radio or anything.)

That's my rant for today. I promise. Like I said, I'm just tired of it all. I almost wish something catastrophic would happen, so as to give me a break from all of this. You know?

Something quick

2009-08-18T15:38:00.000-07:00

Where have I been? I keep asking myself, because sometimes, I take a moment and take a breath. And then, I ask myself that question. Its not a bad thing. I think. Its just nice to be busy and busy and full.

I just got Owl City's new album, Ocean Eyes and I'm listening to it right now. Not bad. The first song that I heard off of it was "Fireflies", and my first thought was "Did the Postal Service come out with a new album?!" The answer is no. But I've heard quiet whisperings of the possibility... Anywho, if you're into the Postal Service, I'd recommend this album. Its fun, too.

I think I'll leave this at this.

Sweet, sweet, sweet.

2009-08-15T14:56:00.000-07:00

Sophie B has been extra cuddly with me this afternoon. I love that feeling. You know, the kitten love feeling. Mmm, mmm.

On my right hand, there's this bloody mess. Its on the "punching knuckle". However, strangely, I don't remember punching anyone today. Maybe I got so angry, that I hulked out and went nuts? Highly unlikely. But I'm up for ridiculous ideas.
Sometimes I think that if I didn't have friends, I would never leave my apartment. Seriously. I quite like sitting on my comfy couch, wrapped in a big blanket, with a nice big book to read. Its comforting. Although sometimes, I'm just a little bit bothered by how easy it is for me to be completely silent. Yeah, occasionally, I'll say something to one of the kittens. But more often than not, its a silent apartment.
This morning, I was washing my hands, and I came to a realization. I hate my hands. They're too... big. I'm not sure that's the proper adjective to describe them, but that's how it felt this morning. How silly is that? Of every physical flaw I have to hate on, I picked my "big" hands this morning. Hmph.
I went and saw The Time Traveler's Wife Thursday night with my bestie. Allow me to say this, I have read that book almost 100 times. (Actually, I cannot count how many times I've read it.) So for me, I was extremely disappointed in the movie. It irked me, how the smallest details were left out. Yards, instead of churches, short hair instead of long, and where the hell was Ms Kimy?! With all of that, it was very hard for me to just sit there and enjoy the movie. However, I still cried like a little girl.

Just a rant.

2009-08-12T15:58:00.000-07:00

Really quickly.

You know how all of those assholes have been protesting the town-hall meetings like crazy over the Healthcare overhaul bill?

That bill is over 1000 pages long.

I don't pretend to know or to understand what's actually in it. And I am a fairly informed individual. I read the papers, I watch the news, I listen to the talk shows and interviews, and I look online. None of that is "one sided". None of that is strictly one platform or the other.

And that is why I'm pissed.

Because I keep hearing about all of the yelling and fighting. And you know what? I'd put money down that these idiots really have no idea what they're "protesting". All that they heard was "privatized healthcare". That's it. And nothing that I've read or heard has led me to believe that if this were to pass, that's what we'd get. Insurance strictly through the government. It'd be just like living in England. Or worse- Canada (Hah!).

"The cornerstone of the plan is a public-financed health insurance option that would compete with private insurers." (cited here)

And you know what, everything I've read and heard has collaborated that statement.
What's the benchmark of Capitalism? Competition.

And just in case you're curious about the bill itself, here's a link to it.

I'm excited.

2009-08-08T14:01:00.000-07:00

I'm excited about The Time Traveler's Wife and Where The Wild Things Are. I'm not much of a "movie" person. Especially the whole paying $10.00 part. But for these films, I'll make an exception (or two). The new trailer for Where The Wild Things Are looks positively wonderful.
I'm excited about this book that I'm reading. I Know This Much Is True by Wally Lamb. Now, a friend of mine told me to stay far away from this book. Boy, was he wrong. I started it about ten days ago (or something like that), and I'm almost done. Maybe I'll finish it this weekend.
I'm excited about the surprise afternoon I had today. The kind of surprise where my boss says "Rachel, go home", and then I tell him no. And then four minutes later, I change my mind. Because that's a couple of hours that I get to spend with that silly little man of mine.
I'm excited about our trip. The other day, I had an almost-major freak-out session. You know, along the lines of "omg, how are we going to do this?!" But today, I feel a little better. Not much. But enough to be able to focus on what the point is. ♥ ♥ ♥
I'm excited about Tomas and his lady being pregnant. I think I'm going to appoint myself to the baby-naming-post. Yeah, we're just "regulars" at El Jalisco, so I'm probably not welcome to it. But in my defense, he did sit down with us to give us the GREAT news. Which makes us more than regulars, right?
I'm excited about everything. I feel euphoric. Happy. Elated. Content. Sleepy. Comfortable. Peaceful. Ready.

(ps, the photo is from the day-trip Ian and I took earlier this week. We went to Bandera, and ate really terrible BBQ, then went to Kerrville to check out the Stone Henge monument.)

There's no backing out, now.

2009-08-07T17:00:00.000-07:00

I "got" my first "follower" sometime this week. Its silly, but exciting! So, thanks Renee!

Last week, I changed my availability at work. For the last year and a half, I've been fortunate enough to be working between 35-40 hours a week, Monday-Friday in the restaurant industry. (And really, I don't do anything important. Just kidding. Kind of.) And for whatever reason, I decided I wanted to switch it up. I don't know. So I opened it up completely. In doing so, everything feels... Strange. Weird. Unnatural. IE- today is Friday, however its actually my Wednesday. And my Friday won't be until next Thursday. I'm adjusting alright, I suppose.

Remember that four day weekend that I had, earlier this week? Well, on Tuesday, @catherine1kt2 (Hah! Its follow Friday! Hah!) and I drove out to Austin to go dress shopping. It was wonderful. I love getting to spend time with that amazing lady. I'm such a nervous-shopper, though. I ended up buying the first dress in the first shop that I tried on. I didn't even want to check out all of the shops and boutiques I'd book-marked and located. I hate, hate, HATE going shopping for myself. (But that's already a well established point, right?) Anyways, I bought my dress. And tonight, Ian and I book our flights and suites!

And I'm going to try my bestest best to not freak out about the big and little details. Seriously. Tonight will not be last night.

There was something else that I was thinking about.... But you know what? I completely zoned for a minute. Actually, more like ten minutes. I'm so exhausted. Its never ending. And Sophie Bee just started stepping on a key, and it deleted half the post, so I may have tossed her lightly off of my laptop. And then I control-Z'ed it. You know what I'm saying. (Aww, that reminded me of my friend, Amy! Hey girl, hey girl, hey girl, hey girl, hey girl heyyyy!)

This is what that last bit boils down to: I got a complete five disc Harry Potter box set today. I'm in bed, and in extremely comfortable clothing. I'm going to watch a movie, now.

Happy Friday to everyone NO

Sunday? What Sunday?

2009-08-02T15:58:00.000-07:00

Today is August 2nd, 2009. Today, for the first time all year, I went swimming. I even laid out. And the reward? I've got an itsy, bitsy sunburn. You wouldn't even notice it, except that I'm naturally #FFFFFF. No joke.
The night before last, I dreamt about oranges. Or something... orange. It was weird. Then last night/this morning, I dreamt about axes. It was bizarre. Maybe tonight, I dream about mango trees and cigarette smoke. Who knows.
Tomorrow marks mine and Ian's first "weekend" in a very long time. (I can't even remember the last time we had just a day off together...) I'm so excited. Maybe, we'll go to the grocery store, and sit by the pool, and drink beer and wine all day. Times two. I originally wanted to go down to Port Aransas (I've never been there!), but it just wasn't a smart move, all things considered. Which is fine. I'd love nothing more than to wake up at noon with that man. Mmmhmmm.
With all of that in mind, I have really grown to love my alone time. I don't really talk, I don't really do anything. Well, anything that I don't want to. I like it a lot more now, than I did before.
I bought some black truffle sea salt the other day. It goes so well with olive oil. But the Bavarian rye bread that Ian bought? Not so much.

And baby, its a wrap.

2009-08-01T17:04:00.000-07:00

You know those days when you feel really really good about yourself? Well, I had one of those days, today. Call me superficial, but I felt like I looked like a million bucks. I wish that I had taken a picture of myself (ohhh, girl) to document this rare experience.
My dear friend, Katie, and I went dress shopping today. And by that, I mean that we went to one shop. It was wonderful. It felt great. I picked out three nice and fun dresses. The jury is still out, however. But its exciting, nonetheless.
Last weekend, Ian brought home Fergie's first album, The Duchess. I love that man. (Please don't judge me for my terrible taste in guilty-pleasure-music.) However, I haven't even opened it.
One of my favorite things to listen to while in the car is Conservative talk-radio. Here's the deal; it keeps me awake. (I used to have this minor issue with dosing off while driving. Seriously.) It's like rap music; it has a "beat". Or something. Mostly, it just makes me angry, which is all that I need. However, it makes me angry. (I'm not being redundant.) I wish that I would have started listening to it... 4 years ago. That way, I could form a more... accurate opinion. Its just so... hateful. Therefore, it does its job.
I have these... things about me. I don't like looking people in the eye. I always look down when I'm walking. I feel panicky and anxious if I go more than 4 days without cutting my fingernails. (Seriously, it'll be all that I think about..) I like to avoid conflict, but I'm not a very nice person. I'm overly sensitive, and I have no backbone. I have... these things about me, and I love them. They're not "good" things, but their mine. And I love them.
This week: I ate Oreos for dinner and breakfast. I made enchiladas, and they were delicious. I honked my horn very loudly when someone cut me off. Asshole. I got a little girl to make silly faces with me while at work. I "found" an old "friend", and it was beautiful. I took off the asiago cheese from "my" salad. And every day was a great day.

Good-sushi-Monday

2009-07-27T16:38:00.000-07:00

I'm trying to drink more water. Yesterday, I drank a whole gallon. (Yes, I know thats not a lot. But for me, someone who drinks almost nothing but coffee... Its an accomplishment. Today, not so much. But I've got my gallon-jug, and I'm getting there.
I spent my weekend cooking, cleaning, and grocery shopping. And you know what? I liked it. It felt nice to.. take care of things. It felt good. A little too... domestic for my tastes, but eventually, I could grow into it. (And the only casualty was the plantain/banana bread. It turned out.... bad.)
Confidence. Its so silly! I'll even venture to say that its over-hyped. Okay, not so much the confidence itself, but the things that we do to get it. Make sense? Or maybe its my own fault. And the explanation is a novel of itself. (Seriously. I just etched out the explanation, and it was ridiculously long.) Basically, if and when I look in the mirror in the morning, and decide that straightening my hair and putting on makeup is worth the effort, I feel fabulous. I feel... something. And it frustrates me. I wish I could feel that great about myself without feeling so unlike me.
Have you seen J Crew's new line? Mmmm, I like the jewelry, especially. And then I found an Etsy shop that makes me wish I wasn't putting all of my extra money into my trip in October.
I want patience. I always say that. Then, I become exasperated, because I'm not patient. Especially with the whole ordeal of trying to get patience. Which by the way, is hard to do! I mean, how do you get patience? Is it a learned habit? If so, I'm screwed, because I've got my hands full trying to learn other good habits. (I've got a lot of bad habits, I guess.) Or maybe, this is one of those things that as a kid, you're supposed to just "get". Kind of like riding a bike, and climbing trees. I don't know. I guess that I'll just have to wait it out, and hope that I don't have a heart-attack at work.
Dear God, I could just murder the person who lives above me. Between her making the brilliant decision to vacuum the hard-wood floors after 10pm, to her 9 dogs and 4 cats fighting constantly, I am really ready to hurt her. (Right now, it sounds like she's beating the dogs.) I guess this is why headphones were invented, right?
Ps- Mondays are always my favorite day of the week. Always. I can't remember the last time that I had a "bad-sushi-Monday".

If ever I forget, I can always remember.

2009-07-24T18:39:00.001-07:00

When I was younger, I had this youthful zeal. And it was so big. I think that I have somehow... Forgotten about it. Which is truly unfortunate.

But there is good news!

I can always remember that which I've forgotten.

That is so comforting. Especially, for which it pertains to. (I'd love to elaborate, but it would definitely bore some.)

I guess...
This is for Mom. I'm sure that if she reads this, she'll know what I'm talking about.

On a side note, Sophie just discovered cds/dvds. Other than the fact that I was afraid that she'd scratched my dvd (Hotel Rwanda), it was pretty entertaining to watch.

One more round, please?

2009-07-23T19:19:00.000-07:00

I've been doing the side-pony-tail thing lately. Not the obnoxious "Ooh, I'm a hipster, look at me!" pony-tail. But the "Gah, get my hair away from me!" pony-tail. (Done, while still managing to look "cute", too.)

Today, I had a strawberry shortcake for lunch. It was delish.

I'm all about taking responsibility when I've made a mistake. Really. However, I absolutely HATE taking responsibility when SOMEONE else made the mistake. The end of my morning/afternoon shift today highlighted that.

Did I mention that I hate when minions think that they can do my job? Especially when I'm right there, doing the said job. Ugh.

I believe that I'm just frustrated with a few particular people. By frustrated, I mean, violently frustrated. However, I'm exceptionally passive-aggressive. Which is probably why the upper part of my left arm (you know where it all starts to connect, but not the shoulder?) started to go numb today.

But that may be because I'm also a hypochondriac. (Hey, I can admit it!) And what was most likely just a weird, tingly, muscle cramp, just felt like I was having weird, heart-related-left-arm-numbness. You know?

Did I mention that I'm excited about the weekend?
What am I going to do this time?
No idea.
I don't think that there will be any crazy adventures for this crazy lady.

I would like to just spend 48 hours in bed without a bra on. Yes, I said it.
Although, I'll probably get really bored by 3pm on Saturday, haha.

My kitten is sitting on the table, and begging for me to cuddle her. That's my call to get ready for bed and such. (It couldn't possibly have anything to do with the fact that I have to be at work at 7am. Not at all.)

I miss some people. Really.
I'm listening to my "One" playlist. Its a more.. gentle playlist. And you know what? It feels good for this evening. (Although a glass of wine with Ian would feel even better)

What I like right now:
kitten-feet. (They're so soft)
Sometimes, sometimes, sometimes, my mind is too strong.
momma-bear sweaters.
easy books, in place of the not so easy.
extra-hot hot water.
no pillows and lots of blankets.
familiar.
not thinking what i want to think.
my cold nose.
flannel.
hydrangea perfume.
whispering.

i must put this out there.

2009-07-22T19:08:00.001-07:00

why hello there! nice to meet you and you and you and you. and don't worry, i didn't forget about you hiding over there.

i'm overly joyous to be hanging out over here on rachel's blog. my world is over here, but it's a nice to be switching it up for the evening. {thanks rachel for letting me play in your place}

it's crazy. today i spent a day in the car. my sister {finally} chose her college of choice for the fall. it's about time, little seester. during our commute to her new home next year, i got to thinking. {between all of the witty bantar going on in the automobile between my family} anyway. i thought about how i had planned on waking up this morning to guest post before going into work. and i thought about how that didn't quite happen. or well, didn't happen at all. because i woke up and my mind wasn't on blogging at all. and sometimes, a lot of times, my mind isn't on blogging. as much as i love it. and i love the blog world. like, i love love love the blog world a lot. i'm always finding a new person's life that excites me more than the next. but that's not the point.

and what is the point? you might be asking.

...i'm getting there...

see. i've become attached to reading certain blogs on a daily basis. even if i don't get around to posting something myself, i ADORE and CRAVE to read about others. pathetic? perhaps. but so what. i'm always learning something new. discovering something thrilling. but this is the weird part. {and not to get all deep and morbid} but what happens if one day it all just stops? say my favorite blogger stops posting without any warning. one day, the posts stop flowing in. the funny words and hollywood pictures and wedding tips and everything else that tickles my fancy come to a hault. how will i ever know what happened to them? what if they got in a terrible car crash? or their house burned down? or who knows what other tragic incident!

but i'd never know. because these are just people i admire through my computer screen. i don't have a phone number to call them up and check in on. i don't have an address to drive by their house. nope. i only have my computer mouse to click around and find some other sweet blogger to fill the void.

it's all a strange little process. but one that i can't really seem to get enough of. one that i'm going to keep on going back for more of.

so please, for my sanity, all you blogging gods and goddesses out there,
be safe in all that you do! because if you all of a sudden disappear, you will be keeping me from sleeping at night.

2009-07-21T16:23:00.000-07:00

I'm really bothered by the fact that "contact" is spelled wrong in the header on top of the page. (For those reading via facebook, its spelled "conact".) But after reading through the html to try and fix it, I'll just settle.
Today was my Monday, but it felt like a Thursday. I mean, since when did parking issues mean bitching to me? There was a woman who, while picking up her salad, made it a point to say "It really annoys me to have to park all of the way over there (pointing to the other side of the building) because someone parked in the 'to go' spot." (Mind you, she was already pissed off at me, because she wanted four extra 4-ounce ranch salad dressings. And when I told her how much I'd charge her.... Well...) But back to the original thought. Someone who wants twenty ounces of ranch dressing (!!!!) on their salad should probably do a little walking every day. And do I look like someone you'd go to about your parking woes? No. Absolutely not.
(Oh, and that parking spot, it was taken by someone taking their order to go.) *Sighhhhh.
I guess I'm digging the whole parentheses thing. I've been using them a lot lately. Its cool though.
I've been having nightmares lately. Not just the normal, abnormally vivid dreams. Just weird things. Like having seizures, and running away, and going to (GASP!) The Scooter Store. Needless to say, its all led to me waking up completely exhausted. Like, my body is physically worn out! Its very bizarre. Ian says that I've been moving a lot and talking more than usual in my sleep. Hopefully it will pass soon.
OH! And tomorrow, my blog will be hijacked! Or not. Just borrowed. I'm pretty excited. I can't wait to see what she serves! :) And of course, I'll be filling her blog with some of my usual nonsense.
Guilty Pleasures: broken chocolate chip cookies, The Fray, Sprite, yoga pants, bubble wrap, blankets and more blankets, kittehs, and flower-headbands.

Really quick.

2009-07-18T09:20:00.001-07:00

Alright, so last night at the theatre, I saw a preview for Where The Wild Things Are, and I was shocked! I had no idea that it had been made into a movie! My shock has turned into wild-anticipation. I think that I will celebrate its coming out by wearing a "wild-thing" costume of sorts.

I was thinking of just going somewhere and walking around. Not sure where I'd go. San Antonio is closer, but Ian said that I'd be silly to do that alone. I don't really want to drive all of the way to Austin just to walk around. But I think that's what I'm going to do, actually. So, I guess I should get dressed and wash my face or something.

The other night, I dreamed that I was on a picnic bench that was flying like on a roller coaster. And I was really high up in the air, and there was a plane that was crashing. And we all fell out of our picnic bench. It was an unexpected nightmare. Last night I dreamed that I was home, living in my old bedroom, cleaning it. There were old, glass bottles all over the place. And I was going to go out with my friend Josh, except he just wanted to make-out all night. That was weird. Then I was stuck in a grocery store, and my boss from Starbucks was trying to make me clean out all of the old bread (like Sherry would do at Mike & Rosy's) but I couldn't because my socks weren't long enough.

The other day at work, one of the managers told me that I needed to start standing up for myself more. Ugh. Whatever. Although, I will say this-- I've come a long way in a short time. I'm not nearly as door-mat-y as I was not too long ago. Its just... Well, I'm still kind of.. Something. Its frustrating. (To those that get frustrated with me because of it, imagine how I feel.)

There are certain things about my attitude that has changed over the last few months. I've always been known to be extremely punctual. (You know, showing up 15-20 minutes early) But recently, I've taken to showing up 2-4 minutes late. Its small, but its big for me.

Right now, I'm enjoying lists, iced-coffee, chess, big-ian-shirts, red, random-play, talk radio, spinach, grape tomatos, red wines, womanly perfume, and rolled jeans. Not all at this moment, but just generally and recently.

A brief "!!!"

2009-07-17T15:48:00.000-07:00

Tonight, I'm going to see Harry Potter & The Half-Blooded Prince. I'm a bit late, I know. And everyone I know has been trying to spoil it for me. I'm pretty excited. And its not just about the movie, either. The company is going to be wonderful, as well.
That said, I have a three-day weekend ahead of me. I'm particularly grateful, because tomorrow will be my first day off in (count 'em) 60 days. I kid you not. Fridays are my least favorite day of the week, usually. But not this one. I am so excited, that I'm not even sure what I'm going to do with myself tomorrow.
It smells like rain, right now. That's wonderful news for me (and more so for my little garden.) because my car needs a washin'. :o)
I've been paying extra-particular attention to what I've been eating this week. My big splurge is always my coffee in the morning. (I absolutely refuse to give that up, haha.) I've thought about keeping a food-diary, but I have a feeling that doing so would be counterproductive. Its like... "I had one chocolate chip cookie for breakfast today, because it broke, and then felt bad, so I skipped lunch..." or something equally terrible. I'm such a guilty eater!
I'm almost done reading The Plague by Camus. I've kept it as my "I'm going to bed" book, because its compelling enough to keep me interested, but definitely not enough to keep me awake. After this, I'll probably start I Know This Much To Be True by Wally Lamb. I have no idea what its about, or anything of the sort.
Have you heard the new Regina album? It came out last month, and I'm still raving about it.
Katie-bell and I giggled about going to see Matt Nathanson play in Corpus in September. Now, that I'm going to Vegas in October, I don't know how feasible it would be to do so. But damn, I'd love to go!
Mmm, Vegas!

Five things:

2009-07-07T16:42:00.000-07:00

1- I picked up my copy of Neruda's poetry, and the second poem that I read was "The Dream". Its so very perfect for the entire reason I picked it up. (The first was "You Would Come".) Both of those poems are from The Captain's Verses. And as I read through the rest of that particular collection, each is very perfect for this moment.

2- I've never quit anything in my life. (People don't count; they're more than just things.) The one time I tried to quit something, I was told no. But I did this past weekend. Let me tell you, its a terrible feeling to just throw in the towel and admit defeat. Admit ineptitude and inability. And all of those other things as well. I'm pretty down and out about it all at the moment.

3- On the other hand, I'm very happy about the time I will have now. For the past seven months, my life has been a constant buzz. There has really been no quiet time. No peace. Just movement, and noise. I plan on using this time to get my passions back.

4- The new Regina album is wonderful. However, I'm still stuck on Matt Nathanson. I hope it remains so. There's something particularly brilliant about Some Mad Hope.

5- I've become a real live, actual adult. And I hate that. Not so much the responsibility, but the emotional despondency. That part bugs me.

Between money management and laundry.

2009-06-29T17:25:00.000-07:00

You know what?

I grab a blank sheet of paper, thinking that something-anything- will come of it. And nothing happens.

Its so frustrating!

I look at my apartment, and cringe. It doesn't look like me at all. Well, except for the cats.
But I mean...

I remember when I used to be creative. It was like there was this... constant flow of creativity. And now, I'm grown up and I've got responsibilities, and I have bills, and, and, and, and.

Since I've moved here, I've forced myself to be more social. Because being in Nashville was just depressing. I handled that so horribly. But here, I've made conscious efforts to make friends and "hang out" and do things. Other than sit in my empty apartment while watching the sun's rays trace the walls.

So far, so good.

I "discovered" this amazing little shop in New Braunfels. Water 2 Wine. Omgggg. Seriously, amazing. Well, the owner, Kelly, insisted that I go to her hair-stylist while I was on my way to another stylist.
Best decision I've ever EVER ever made.
Never in my life have I received so many compliments about my hair before. Although, I guess it helps that its all nice and blondish again.

Oh, and have you heard the new Regina Spektor album? Its frickin' amazing!

Ian, Ryan, and Andrew got me a kitten for my birthday (yeah, I don't think that they realized that my birthday is in November....), and I decided to name her Sophie. She has acclimated very nicely with the other two kitties. She has such a loud personality. She is so fearless.

I kind of love her.

And then on a different note, I hate that work #1 has become like sushi to me.

Lately-

2009-06-06T12:10:00.000-07:00

Lately, I've felt like a tide.
Coming and going.
Sort of.

My fate cannot be mastered; it can only be collaborated with and thereby, to some extent, directed. Nor am I the captain of my soul; I am only its noisiest passenger.

-Aldous Huxley

I don't know where I found this quote.
But, I feel as if this perfectly summarizes me.
Well, as best as a single quote can.

Not Titled.

2009-04-29T15:01:00.000-07:00

I shaved my legs for the first time in a month last night. I so often feel like the not-so-ordinary-woman. I remember when I was younger, and shaving my legs felt like some unreachable rite of passage. What a difference ten, nine, eight years makes.
I'm going home. Well, not for another week and a half. Its been almost one year since I last saw Springfield. (And Yellow Springs, too) I'm pretty excited. Nervous. But excited.
One of my goals for the last month was to be a nicer person. Nicer, in that I wasn't so betchy at work. (Yes, betchy.) I am quite proud of myself, with how I've handled the stresses of my job without taking it out on the people I work with and for. Put that in my file, boss!
Ian and I have been together for almost two years now. The other night we started talking about things, which in turn got me thinking about things. Commitment is such a tricky thing. Even after so many years and so many different relationships, I'm still learning.

It was beautiful, but Semec Champey was so long ago.

2009-04-15T21:11:00.001-07:00

I was swimming, and the water was crystal clear. And warm. It was very lovely all around. My bag was carelessly left unattended. We noticed that unfortunately when we had finished. He was sweet about it. I was clad in only my bikini, and barefooted. The walk was very long. And the looks!

We took an underwater-cave tour. My candle wouldn't stay lit. I jumped into the water. I was so scared. There was no way to know the depth of the water. That was one of the bravest moments of my life. Silly, right?

I was younger. I didn't know about the things I know now. We were selfish and all too willing. But it was so beautiful.

In The News.

2009-04-13T14:29:00.000-07:00

Alright, so I'm sure that everyone has heard of the woman who got attacked by polar bears, while at the zoo in Berlin. The woman jumped into the habitat during feeding time. And subsequently was mauled.

Here is my thought. This picture should be used at EVERY zoo, at every exhibit. With the caption "This is why you don't jump in. You will be eaten."

I'm just surprised by how... stupid this woman was. What could she have thought would happen? Is it not common thought that polar bears are bears. Bears that eat meat. Bears that kill. Or, maybe she just wanted to cuddle....

If this was the high-light of my weekend, that tells you what kind of weekend I had.

(By the way, I stole this from CNN.com's article.)

Racso And The Rats of Nimh brings me back

2009-04-02T19:02:00.001-07:00

This book just makes me think of the ease of childhood. It makes me miss it. Things were so much more simple back then; I could get away with spending my entire afternoon reading, instead of doing those things I should have been doing.

Let's be honest-- There is no athlete in me.

2009-03-16T20:11:00.001-07:00

Wait, what-- I'm an athlete? Can I be a pro-chess player? Does that count? (I guess I should polish up on my skillz.) Since when did SI start following intellectual sports???

All of this should lead EVERYONE to ascertain that I am in no way athletic. I work. A lot. Does that count? I go at least eight hours without stopping (Thanks in part to a daily six-shot white mocha from Starbucks) every day. And then I go back to work, because just working one job isn't enough.

My apartment complex has a fitness room, but I'm not going to give up my precious sleep in order to have a smaller waist. Just yet, at least.

Where does chess come from? In high school I played chess. What started as a way for me to get closer to a guy (oh, Suchin!) became something quite wonderful and quite different. Was I any good? Probably not. But who cared? It was one of the few times while in high school that I genuinely had fun.

I did play softball. I did gymnastics for a long time. I was a cheerleader. But the adult me just runs from job to job to home to job. And repeat.

Quotes and musings.

2009-02-08T17:43:00.000-08:00

"The sea's only gifts are harsh blows, and occasionally the chance to feel strong.
Now I don't know much about the sea, but I do know that that's the way it is here.
And I also know how important it is in life not necessarily to be strong but to feel strong.
To measure yourself at least once.
To find yourself at least once in the most ancient of human conditions.
Facing the blind death stone alone, with nothing to help you but your hands and your own head."
-Christopher McCandless

Sometimes, I contemplate and sit and think that I could be ready to feel strong. I feel at times that this particular man is the wrong person for me to idolize. However, I can't help it. His story is so unbelievably... important to me. Not inspiring. Important. I empathize with his outward-inward struggle, because all that it came [and comes] down to is love.

Every day, every single encounter, every little minute event is teaching me that there is so much more for me than working and busying myself. If it weren't so, I truly believe that I would not feel this passion inside of me.

When I get to that point, I can't wait to love like I'm meant to. Unlike McCandless, its not going to take a great Alaskan Odyssey for me to realize the true value and potential of love. I won't need to abandon those who I passionately love in order to realize the true nature of my ability. With that in mind, I feel assured; I feel confident in whatever path I'm on.

Twenty Five Things.

2009-02-01T11:41:00.000-08:00

On Facebook, there is this "25 Things" thing that is getting passed around. And since I'm laid up in bed and caught up on Gossip Girl, I'll fill my time with this.

1- I love to cuddle. Like, fiercely. People, kids, kittens, anything. If I'm alone, and my cats don't want to cuddle, then I ball up the blankets and cuddle the blankets. Weird.

2- I get headaches often. Probably about twice a week. It used to bother me, but I'm so used to it, that I don't pay much attention.

3- I can't cook to save my life. BUT I can bake a mean batch of cookies. Or a cake. Or anything else that plays to my sweet tooth. I would absolutely LOVE to have the time [and money] to take some cooking classes.

4- I tried Jason's Deli's Broccoli Cheddar soup for the first time in my life on Friday. I've worked there for over a year. I'd give it an 8, rating wise. As bold as I am, I like to stick to my norm.

5- I envy how flexible felines are.

6- I feel great about my body. I love my curves. But the moment I am out around other people, I hate how I look and how I feel about how I look.

7- The only time I paint my toenails is when its a special occasion.

8- I strive daily to be more patient with others. Its definitely not a strength of mine.

9- I seriously HATE raunchy comedies. No, I don't find sex and pranks and defecation to be funny. Which means I hate most of the movies and entertainment that is directed to my peer group.

10- Having Ian tell me I was his best friend was waaaay better than when he told me he loved me.

11- My hair is naturally blonde, and I can't WAIT to be a blonde again. I think that it will be years before I go darker.

12- I've always enjoyed the fact that I have a great rapport with those in "charge" of me. Like teachers and bosses.

13- I ate an entire sleeve of Oreos for breakfast this morning without thinking about it. But I did it while drinking water.

14- I keep telling myself that I'm going to get my violin fixed, but I never do. I miss playing it.

15- I HATE going to the doctor. It has to be something really bad for me to go. They always give bad news.

16- I think that my handwriting is better when I write with a blue ball point pen. That might not be true, but its what I think.

17- When I get nervous, I tend to babble about meaningless facts about me. Like how I tend to sweat on my hands. Or how I'm afraid to walk barefoot. [My poor co-workers at Starbucks...]

18- I hate shaving my legs.

19- I used to be totally artsy and such. And then all of a sudden, poof, all of my inspiration and desire was gone.

20- I feel bad about having to starve my cat, Chloe. So I feed her more than I should.

21- I'm a very jealous person. But not in a bad, possessive way. Just a protective way.

22- I hate talking on the phone. I need to see the facial expressions.

23- I tend to wear my feelings on my sleeve. Which is good, because you always know where you stand with me. But its bad, because you always know where you stand with me.

24- I once dated a guy who gave me a compliment. From that moment on, I starved myself.

25- I miss my family back home and all, but I wouldn't give this up for anything. I proved everyone wrong.

Since you've been gone, things have changed.

2009-01-15T15:39:00.000-08:00

All day long, I've been thinking about what I was going to blog about, because this morning I realized that its been forever since I've just sat down and dumped my thoughts.

This week two of my kinda-friends took a trip to Ohio to apartment-hunt. Apparently, its snowing and really cold [I actually gathered that based on everyone's Facebook status.] and I can't help but feel jealous. It has just now occurred to me how much I actually miss bundling up and going sledding and just the way snow feels and etc. I think this is what "homesick" feels like, which is weird, because this is home for me now.

Weirdy-weird.

I got a haircut recently. And I can't even tell the difference. Ugh. I just want to be blonde again! I really mean it when I say that I will never dye my hair ever again after this. Patience is a virtue that I do not have. Yet.

Christmas was good. It was great. I should be more inspired to use my gifty-gifts to make some delicious yummy things. But I don't feel anything other than delirium. From being sleepy and exhausted. Perpetually. Ugh.

I got a second job, right? I forgot how awkward being the "newby" was. In fact its been about three years since I've been that guy [erhm, girl]. I vow to make myself adjust to never sleeping.

Back onto patience. I've been in the grueling process of training a few MITs at work the last monthish or so. This entire experience [and its not done!] has made me realize how.... much I need to be in control. And how that lack of control affects me in crazy ways. Then there's the patience of having to be nice while silly mistakes keep happening. Its so unbelievably hard for me. The actual attempt at being positive and constructive nearly had me in tears today.

As wonderful and amazing as I am, I still have a lot of work to do.

Can I talk about how outraged I am about the Israel-Hamas-Palestine-Conflict? Or how the more I read about Obama's "former" views concerning domestic issues, the more I worry? Or how I am for some reason or another really excited about going to France? [And I don't even know where that comes from!] Or, even how I'm irritated that Ian has trained my kitten to be fierce, instead of a baby like I wanted.....

There is so much going on for me right now. I can't find the.... Something... to articulate this. I feel so overwhelmed, but not in a bad way. Mostly.

Maybe I'll change my resolution-goal. Make it something like "make my blog entries more meaningful and less 13-year-old-ish".

Starting to feel like home

2008-12-24T15:48:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, I went to the grocery store, and for the first time in... --who knows how long-- I saw someone[s] that I knew.

I think that I was over-excited about that. I mean... That means that this place is starting to become more of a home for me, than just a place.

Coming up in the next few weeks or so, Ian and I will be re-leasing [I forgot the actual term here] our apartment. I think that I'll start decorating then. I mean, we've lived here for a few months, and it still looks as if we have just moved in.

Something to think about.

Things I Like Right Now

2008-12-21T16:07:00.000-08:00

Waffles made fresh.
Peanut butter M&Ms.
Blue ball-point pens.
Tropical Sunset Margaritas [but only light on the tequila].
Big, heavy blankets.
Ramen Noodles.
Book-smells.
"Honeysuckle Weeks" by The Submarines.
Vintage Christmas ornaments.
Lists.
Kitty tummies.
The apple stellas at Starbucks.
Big, bodacious seedless grapes.
Street-Style blogs.
Red leaves.
Nap time.
My friend, Katie.
The way that syrup smells.
Classical music compilations.
Boy-shirts.
Bouncy, thick, full hair.
Eating with other people.
Sending gifts to people.
Canceled credit cards.
Chocolate cherry ice-cream.
Warm, long scarves.
Mittens, too.
Hand squeezing.
Soft, feminine music.
Small children.
Graham crackers.
Foggy mornings.
Just waking up warmth.

Eek-eek

2008-12-10T18:18:00.000-08:00

I feel as if I don't have enough time for anything anymore, when in fact I have too much time on my hands. I shall have to force myself to seek out creative outlets to channel my time. I would say "energy", however I seem to be lacking that most days. I want to learn to sew. I also want to take some cooking classes. And join a book-club, too. Just stuff to think about and wish over.
My brand new kitten is so adorable. His name is Charlie, and he loves to cuddle. I'm sorry in advance if that makes Ian terribly jealous. [giggle] He's taken quite a liking to me, which is nice, because Chloe has never been too fond of me.
Speaking of Chloe, she weighs a whopping 23.3 pounds. She's like a turkey that could feed a family of eight. We've put her on a super-restricted diet, so as one could expect, she's not too happy with us. Pair that with little baby Charlie, and well, you can imagine. At least she's not growling at me anymore... Yikes.
Christmas is coming up! This is so, so, so weird for me. Thanksgiving was weird enough. I finally made out my Christmas gift-lists for everyone, and hopefully next weekend I'll have the opportunity to get everyone's Christmas goodies! I'm so excited about that. I've had the urge to bake cookies. But its a passive urge, which is nice, because I don't have any baking tools necessary for my holiday cookies.
Oh, and I've had a headache since Friday of last week. Granted it went away for a little bit yesterday. However, now its back with a bite. Agh!
Ian and I had a date-night last week. We went to see Twilight and I thought it was wonderful! I mean, yeah the movie was cheesy, and the dialogue/plot was pretty weak. But I felt like a 15 year-old again! But that may have been the mimosa I was sipping..
Speaking of mimosas, I LOVE being 21. Its so silly. I feel like such an adult when we go out to eat or wherever, and I get to order a crappy beer or a super-strong appletini... I've been experimenting with lots of different drinks. I almost never get the same thing. So far, I'm quite fond of mimosas. I can see why old, rich women drink them starting out around 9 am.

A New Addition, part two

2008-11-19T15:26:00.001-08:00

So today was going to be the day.
Over the last few days, Ian and I have been preparing Chloe and our apartment for the new kitten's arrival. We have both been pretty sure that Chloe has understood that she'd be getting a new playmate-- She has been very affectionate, even with me. So strange.

I got off of work today. Drove just under the speed-limit to the bank to deposit my check. Drove just over the speed-limit to the animal control center. The gentleman who had helped me on Saturday was waiting for me.

They checked Crackers [soon to be renamed Reginald; thanks Don!] for FIP or something like that, because he would be moving into a living-space with another feline. Its a fatal disease, and it is communicable. He tested positive.

I was told that I could get my money refunded, because I would not be getting a kitten today. Because they were going to have to put him down.

This is the rough part. I was afforded the chance to handle him for a short time on Saturday. Just a short time. Yet, I feel so... heartbroken over this. Literally. This is worse than any break-up I've experienced. Is it possible to form such a strong bond in such a short time with an animal? Just as important- is it a bad thing if and when that happens?

I can't stop crying. I was so excited about this. I'm sad because he's just a baby. I'm sad for my own selfish reasons. He was so perfect. He would have been a beautiful fit for us..

Tomorrow, all of the other felines will be tested to make sure it was contained. The results will be in on Friday. Maybe then, I'll see how I feel.

A new addition, part one

2008-11-15T13:03:00.000-08:00

So Ian told me that we could get a new kitten for my birthday that has just passed.

He is sooooo cute! He's six-months old, and looks to be a tabby mix. I just can't figure out what the other bit is. His "animal shelter name" is Crackers. I don't like that. But he also doesn't look like a Thaddeaus. Damn.

He will be getting spayed on Tuesday, and then on Wednesday, I get him. Eep!

I can't wait to love him fiercely.

More to come, including pictures.

Deep breath.

2008-11-05T16:50:00.000-08:00

While I didn't actually vote for Barack Obama, I am excited about what kind of direction we will be heading. I didn't even manage to stay up for the concession speech by McCain. I hadn't realized until quite recently how... irritated I had gotten over some of the hot-button issues. Oh well. I'm pretty sure that I have offended quite a few people, but as I was talking to Ian about it all, he encouraged me to not back down from my views, because they are mine afterall.

Today, I got the most... flattering compliment that I think I could ever receive as a woman. It was along the lines of... I was cute, but it was more than that-- "there's just something about you". Even now, as I mull it over, I'm not sure what to make of it. I asked Ian, and then had to explain the story... He was so cute. I love him.

I bought my cat, Chloe some kitty-toys today to make up for the terrible choice in cat-food I made two weeks ago. Needless to say, we had been home for less than an hour and she had already destroyed one of them. ....And she's at it again.

My birthday is in one week. Well, in six days. I'm going to turn twenty-one. I wasn't excited about it until this past weekend, when I spoke to my mom. And now, I'm just giddy with excitement about it all. Eeee! I'm pretty excited about ordering my first dirty-martini legally. And buying my first bottle of wine, mmmmm.

I really REALLY want to join a book-club. I've got a job interview at Starbucks, and I'm very optimistic. I just read Brida and it wasn't as good as Eleven Minutes. I still have an itchy rash on my arms, so it isn't the wraps. Gosh, I hope I'm not allergic to gluten....

Friday Night.

2008-10-17T17:58:00.000-07:00

I'm reading Jonathon Strange & Mr. Norrell for the time being, and I can't seem to make it past twenty pages before passing out. I've only been reading it for a couple of weeks, and I've got about one-hundred pages left before I am done with this tedious nove.. Next on the list is Crime & Punishment by Dostovsky, and a book by Barry Unsworth.
Big plans for the weekend? Sleep non-stop and begin season one of The Tudors. I'm pretty excited; if its any good, I'm going to go ahead and download all of season two.
I went to Chipotle today with Ian for dinner. It was nice. I enjoyed a delicious veggie burrito [you know, the rice, black beans, peppers, pico, corn salsa and guac]. I've gotten into the habit of eating once a day, usually in the late afternoon. Its been nice.
Since I won't be going home for Thanksgiving [and probably Christmas, as well], I have been searching for something to make. Ian won't eat meat off of the bone, so a turkey is out of the question. Which is funny, since its only two of us. I was thinking something along the lines of a baked lamb dish lightly cooked with some lemon-grass. I'd probably serve it with peppercorn potatoes and a light parfait. I've been giving it some thought lately. I want to do something kind of special. I've got these brilliant culinary ideas, and I think that I should put them into action every now and again...
And finally, I got my statement for my Capital One card today. Sheesh, gone are the days of no interest and no finance charges.... I opened it up, and my interest rate is 17.85%. Ouch. So now I know which card I'm going to work to pay off first...

Projects.

2008-10-07T18:14:00.000-07:00

The transition has been a lot harder than I had originally anticipated. Its been very nice, but very hard. Nice, because my life has become a lot more calm and quiet. Hard, because its been pretty lonely, as well.

I was supposed to get married on August 9th of this year. I put everything on hold so that Ian could get back to Texas, thus giving us something to embark upon together.

I decided over the weekend that I was going to get back on the wagon, as far as the planning goes. Because, eventually, I would like the dress and flowers and pictures and dances and all of the frivolity involved with weddings.

I started the planning yesterday by going to a local bridal-gown vendor. Celebrations in New Braunfels. At the suggestion of one of my drivers at work. The woman was kind of rude to me; she wouldn't let me look at anything because they were closing... in ninety minutes. I'll most likely make an appointment to look at gowns in the near future.

Tonight, I updated my Knot.com account so that I could get information concerning the vendors around these here parts. I guess that I need to narrow down what it is exactly that I want. Indoor verses outdoor. Summer verses fall verses spring verses winter. Small verses big. You get the gist.

I'm excited, but already exhausted. I wish I could just hire a wedding planner to do it all for me. That's the frustrating thing. I'm going to end up doing this. By myself. My mom is in Ohio, along with all of my friends. What friends aren't in Ohio are in Nashville. Which means I almost have to make a bunch of bffs to help me plan this, but break it off in time to disinvite them to the wedding. Cruel, huh.

Tomorrow is a new day. Tomorrow I'm going to start figuring out our budget. Maybe Ian and I can decide upon an approximate date. Just to get an idea. The mistake we made last time was that we decided upon a date without figuring out the availability of the local vendors. That's not going to happen again. No more hair or sleep lost over this...

A humbling thought.

2008-09-26T15:29:00.001-07:00

I've lived here, in my little apartment in this little town in the big state of Texas, for one full month. How... something-or-another- is that? At work, some of the gals comment on how I've done so much for being so young. Its nice. It makes me feel like less of a something-or-another.

I've been making friends. Well, not my own. Yet. Mostly Ian's friends. Some of them, I've taken a real liking to. Its been nice; being shown around Austin on a Friday night, or being shown around San Antonio on a Saturday afternoon. As soon as I can, [soon, soon, soon, please] when I start school, I'm going to make my own friends. I'm excited about that.

I have been hyper-emotional lately. Why? I won't get into that. That's not the point. Basically, it was one of those "I miss my friends, and I miss my family, and I miss Ohio" episodes that are few and far between. Sometimes, I start to feel pitiful for myself, because I do miss my friends. I miss having girlfriends to spend the night with; to go dancing with or to the park or to the coffee shop.

I logged onto my Facebook account today, and realized that I had like five replies to eek out to the wonderful people who had written on my wall, and that I- for one reason or another- had failed to respond to.

Its a moment like that where I need to humble myself, I guess. I have wonderful friends sprinkled throughout the country and throughout the world. I should stop taking that for granted.

Something of sorts.

2008-09-14T09:57:00.000-07:00

I was looking for a random Bible verse to suit a picture that I had taken, this morning. I found one online, because I honestly didn't want to find my Bible.

"The Lord’s loving kindnesses indeed never cease, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning. Great is Thy faithfulness."

Its in the book of Lamentations. The picture was of a rainbow that was arcing over the road in San Marcos. I read the verse and glanced at the photograph, and thought it to be a perfect fit.

This is important for one reason alone. If God is anything, He is love is love is love is love. [Said so many times to drive the point home.] Flipping through my Bible this morning [because I did get up and find it], I was looking for that one verse where Christ gives us the most important rule; that we should love first and foremost.

When I look around me, it seems as if this "Golden Rule" has been lost on us. Lost, because I see a lot of preachers, pastors, Christians, and politicians judging and condemning everyone in their wake. Not a single thing hurts my heart more.

This is important to me, because when I do read my Bible, and when I think about God, and when I pray to Him at night, there is only one thing that I know beyond a doubt. God is love. God called us to love. Yeah, I'm sure that "eros" falls in there somewhere, but ultimately, we are called to love in the form of "agape". Agape, being that God-love. That love that enables us to see past the filth of sin, that enables us to forgive, and that enables us to reach.

With that in mind, I think that the focus needs to be redirected. Because I'm so very sick and tired of hearing Christians calling homosexuals "faggots" and "queers". I'm sick of Christians condemning women because they want the right to choose for themselves. I'm sick of politicians using morality as a means to get a silly vote.

*sigh. If only I weren't just one feeble person.

The Good & The Bad

2008-09-11T18:28:00.000-07:00

Two restaurants. Two days. Two very opposing reviews...

I had a really stressful day at work today. I came home, and cried for a good thirty-minutes. To make me feel better, Ian suggested that we eat. I was hoping for some Hamburger Helper [good ol' comfort food], but as it turned out, he meant that we should go and get some Chinese food. Right on!
So we drove around looking for Chinese food restaurants. We found one called "China Sea" [incidentally, the only one we found], and decided to give it a shot. At first, it looked promising. The lot was full. There were people of almost every "group"; families, old folks, Asians, Hispanics, and even African-Americans. The food seemed to be a lot of the same thing over and over again with just a little something different.
The food wasn't hot at all. At best, it was warm. Which leads me to ascertain that it was old. Old and gross. The only merit-food wise- was that the General Chicken [what most restaurants call "General Tso's Chicken"] was somewhat spicy. Not sweet. But just a little spicy.
We paid a ridiculous amount of money, and left without leaving a tip. And just as I crossed the threshold, I started retching. Like, I was going to puke all over the place-retching. We left, and I told Ian to get me home as soon as possible. It was so bad. We have been home for about half of an hour, and have each spent the better part of that time in separate parts of our apartment throwing up.

The food was not fresh.
Our waitress actually stood in front of our table watching silently as we ate. Creeeeepy.
The bathroom was worth a blog-post on its own. That bad.
Overly priced.

Okay now for the good.

Yesterday was Ian's birthday. To celebrate that night, I decided to call our friend Hondo to meet us at Taste Of Malabar; an Indian restaurant in San Antonio. I had spent my afternoon looking up reviews for different Indian restaurants in the area, and this particular one had the best reviews of all. Nothing bad was said.
We had a bit of a difficult time finding the place [but that led to an impromptu trip to Barnes & Noble for books! Mmm, Calvin & Hobbes!], as it was behind the Post Office. There weren't any signs directing us to it at all. We probably would not have found it had Hondo and Lenore gotten there before we did.
So we get in, and there is just one other family there. It was small and informal, but in a nice way. We ordered out beverages; one water and three mango-yogurt things. Then the appetizers came. I don't know what they were, except that they were like Indian-empanadas with potatoes and peas with two different dipping sauces. Being the first thing that I had eaten all day, I didn't take the time to enjoy it as I should have. I will remember to savor it next time, though. Our waiter was amazing. When it came time to order our dinners, he was very helpful and [even more importantly] very patient with us. Not being very familiar with Indian food and the terms, I had some questions. Hondo was just plain-difficult, though. [haha]
We all ordered different dishes with differing meats and veggies, and of course we all ordered a naan of sorts. It took a while for the food to be brought out to us, and the portions were small. On top of that, we weren't given any rice, which seemed like a complete travesty to Ian. When the food did come out, it became clear that the wait was well worth it. My particular dish was one of the restaurant's specialties; shrimp in a spicy red sauce with potatoes and tomatoes.
We stayed eating and talking and laughing for a while, enjoying the quiet atmosphere. When the dessert came out, it led to a discussion to the dessert of choice of "Auntie" in the movie Water [which was a ladoo] all to the merriment of Tom- our waiter.

Perhaps the best part was the bill. For all that we ate [two appetizers, three yogurt smoothies, four entres, three orders of naan, and two desserts], it was very reasonably priced. I left feeling like the money was very well spent. Feeling like this is somewhere I want to enjoy, again and again. THEN, Tom offered to take our pictures for me. Kind of a group photo, for Ian's birthday. It was by far one of the best experiences I have ever had at a restaurant.

So there you have it- two reviews of two very different restaurants.

What the...?!

2008-09-10T16:08:00.000-07:00

So its pretty well known that Ian and myself have relocated. Upon doing that, we decided to change our bank. We were thinking that WaMu would have been a wonderful option, given their obvious perks.

Except we were denied.

Upon further investigation, it was discovered that the reason we were denied an account with WaMu was due to my social security number being used for an account already.

How fantastic is that.

Yesterday, I spent the better part of my afternoon putting fraud alerts up with the Credit Reporting Agencies, and trying to figure out how to fix this... Ughhh.

On another note, today is Ian's birthday! Right now, we're getting dressed up to go out to dinner. I am thinking Taste Of Malabar in San Antonio. We can totally get down with some Indian food. Perhaps I will do a review...

[On that note, I have like ten drafts that I haven't done a thing with, because I haven't had a day off in quite some time.. Eep.]

Hm, I use the phrase "on that note" a lot more than I realized.. Gotta change that.

Updates: Post-Move

2008-08-30T22:28:00.000-07:00

Last week, Ian and myself [and Ryan, of course] moved to Texas. But not just anywhere in Texas, no. We have relocated to the Austin area, respectively. Said like that because Ian and I are actually closer to San Antonio than Austin for now.

The move itself was ridiculous. It seemed as if we drove forever. Of course having my beloved fat cat, Chloe in my car didn't make traveling any easier. Having the wonderful opportunity to see my sweet friend Jenn and her adorable little family was wonderful. The perfect break for the afternoon [and the first meal of the day around 2pm].

Alright, it should be made known that when we decided to relocate, Ian and I had no idea where we were going to live. The week before we moved, we still had no idea. We actually got here without having any place to live. Talk about stressful. We signed a lease [!!!] for this FANTASTIC apartment that's most certainly out of our price-range on Tuesday. We've spent the better part of this week making trips between the apartment and Ryan [about an hour and ten minutes driving time] to get belongings.

As I write this, it seems as if for the most part we have finished the moving process. Of course the living room area is littered with Rubber-Maid containers and our bedroom littered with boxes as well. But all is glorious. [Actually Ian posted pictures that we took on his blog.]

I'm back at work, which has been a wonderful experience. It definitely alleviates the stresses of Ian not having a job and living outside of our means for the time being. I'm making friends, more or less. AND I'm learning where everything is.

So far:

I hate the Starbucks nearest to my job. My former co-workes understand my snobbiness when it comes to coffee [and what it takes to get me to "I hate this ____"]. Everytime that I've gone for coffee before work, the baristas have jacked up my beverage. Not that hard, but they manage to do it wonderfully. Beh.
I LOVE Taco Cabana. Not only is it everywhere, but it is also ridiculously cheap. Two major pluses. Today is actually the first day this week that I've not made a trip for the two-steak fajita combo. So good. [Oh, and its open 24/7. Bank!]
We have a swimming pool! I can't remember the last time that I had gone swimming [okay-lie. In march, when I was visited by Mom, sister, & Emily]. BUT having a swimming pool [+ a fitness center] is wonderful. I went swimming, and the depth guide lies. Our pool should be 5 feet deep, and it is definitely over my head by a couple of inches. Good thing I'm a semi-decent swimmer...
Ian's friend gave us two bottles of wine, so I'm slowly becoming a semi-pro wino. How much fun is that?

Happy Labor Day, to all! Be safe! Next time, I promise to dissect the VP choices for McCain and Obama. Expect that in a week?

Final thoughts:

2008-08-23T08:40:00.000-07:00

I'm moving tomorrow. Going all of the way to Texas. Austin, I think. We don't even really know at this point.

But here are some things that I've either really enjoyed, really disliked or just learned while here.

I can get from my house to my grandparents' house [~370 miles] on one tank of gas, and usually in 7 hours.
There is a big difference in traffic between leaving for work at 6:15 and 6:20 in the morning. Even leaving at 6:17, the traffic is noticibly heavier.
If I have a double-grande-Java Chip-Frappuccino from Starbucks in the morning, I can go all day without any food.
Our stray cats like broccoli.
The Canadians around here are... Particularly Canadian, which is to say that its worse here than in Ohio. Ughhh.
And on that note, I have no patience with people.
Ian and I can live off of $30 of groceries for one week. We've done it.
Talk about hot? When leaving for work, between June and most of August, it has been over 80 degrees. [This is as the sun is rising.]
No te llamo "guerita". Repeat, no te llamo "guerita".
I'm nearly bilingual. My Spanish has gotten so good since working at Jason's Deli. Within one year, I anticipate being fluent.
My neighborhood is quiet. But... creepy quiet, and I hate it.
Ian won't go swimming with me, so I haven't gone all year. Goal: He's gonna learn how to swim.
Since I've lived here, every time that we've gone and gotten take-out from any of the restaurants around here, our orders have been wrong every time. Not once have any of the restaurants [Cracker Barrel, Chili's, Red Robin, Sonic, or/and Asia Chinese] gotten our order completely correct.
I'm a lot more content with staying home all weekend long than I thouht I'd ever be.

I'm moving. Tomorrow, in fact. While Ian and I still have no place to live [eep, eep!] I'm really at peace [finally] with everything. There's an Imogen Heap song with the chorus going along the lines of "There, there baby- its just textbook stuff/ its in the ABCs of growing up..." This is just... This is easy. And I'm lucky. I come from Springfield Ohio. I grew up there and went to school there. Now I live just outside of Nashville Tennessee. I came here on a whim and moved here all on my own. Knowing just two people. And I did it. Now, I'm moving all of the way to Austin Texas. Just Ian and I. [Well and Ryan too, but its Ian and I.] I don't know anyone. I don't know where anything is. Heck, I don't even know where I'm going to live [yet]. But I'm doing what just about everyone I know can't or won't do.

And who knows; maybe in ten years, Ian and I will have our house in France or Iceland...

2008-08-10T09:32:00.000-07:00

My blogging of late has been very much along the lines of "stream of thought". Not because I'm shirking away from details, but because my thinking has been exactly this; stream of thought. Even with my own secret, personal thoughts, its all just a steady stream without detail or depth. Its strange for me.

I'm moving to Austin in two weeks. Two weeks from today. Eep! Its so surreal. If you were to peer into my room, or even my house, you'd see how unprepared I am for this. I have nothing packed up. Ian, on the other hand has almost everything packed. He's... Excited. I guess that's the term for this.
I'm trying to reconcile my feelings about moving. As I've grown older, I've become much more introverted. I believe that to be natural, and I'm okay with it. However, this moving thing becomes a completely different animal as a result. Two years ago, I would have been so excited about this, because of the new possibilities and experiences! Now, I'm [dare I say it?] dreading this. Dreading all of the new people. New restaurants. New sights and sounds. I'm worried about being late to work, because I won't know about traffic patterns or basic routes!

I'm trying to reconcile all of my feelings about this. I think I'm doing a great job. I'm thinking about it, this very moment, and I'm not having a panic attack. Which has happened on multiple occasions. Who knows; perhaps this will be something amazing. Maybe I'm going to be the one to benefit from this, in place of Ian.

My brother left for the Navy earlier this week. I think it was the Navy, at least. I feel so.. Despondent about it. Complacent, nonchalant, indifferent. How much does that suck? This is my family, and I've been relegated to a position of indifference concerning them. For the most part. Don't get me wrong; I love each and every member. Its just... For some reason or another, I truly feel as if I don't belong. Meh, I'll outgrow that bit. I have faith.

I've got a to-do list that needs to get done. I think this new one has about 4 things that need to get done before I have my wisdom teeth cut from my mouth. Yuckkkk.

List of Weird part 2.

2008-08-09T17:13:00.001-07:00

In an off-shoot of my friend Justin's facebook note about personal weirdness, here are some things that, well might be weird about me.

1- I hate pillows. Ian likes to have two or three pillows when he goes to sleep at night. I'm content to just throw mine off of the bed. [Incidentally, I did that the other night while mostly asleep, and knocked a bunch of boxes over and scared Chloe pretty senseless.] The only time that I really like to sleep with a pillow is if it is over my eyes while I'm taking a nap while its light out.

2- I can, and will, wear the same pair of pants for up to 8 days. The pair of jeans I'm wearing now, I can't remember the last time that they were washed. Granted, this is the first that I've worn them in a week. I work in khakis [which I will wear up to three times before washing] and after work I put on jeans or lounging-pants. Both of which can go up to two weeks before getting washed. The same does not apply to shirts of any kind. That's just nasty.

3- Every time that I sneeze I wash my hands. Every time. No questions. At work, I sneeze a couple of times throughout the day, and as soon as I've finished, I make a run to the sink, no matter what. Why? I guess that I'm hyper-sensitive about sneeze-germs?

4- I can go 27 hours without sustenance of any kind, save for water. Around 27 hours, I begin to shake pretty badly. Hunger pangs, however, usually come around 7-9 hours after last eating. Interesting to me, but not really all that weird.

5- I'm fiercely competitive. For the wrong reasons. I don't like winning. In turn, I just want to crush whomever I'm competing with in any manner possible. Its not that I want to, or like to be the best; I just have this need to make others feel inferior. I wonder what any reputable psycho-analyst would say about that...

While commenting on Justin's blog, I put in thirteen things that make me weird. Or, things that I find weird about myself. Because there is a facebook feed, I did try to come up with things not already mentioned.

In other news, Ian and I are moving to Austin in two weeks, and have yet to find a place to live. Ryan, I believe, has begun proceedings to close a contract on a house, so he's taken care of. I think, not sure though. Hopefully, we'll figure something out, before I start having anxiety attacks every hour on the hour.

Stream of Thought part one.

2008-08-02T16:03:00.000-07:00

I've been running in blanks lately. In blanks like... I just don't feel very motivated or creative. A nice slump.

Kind of.

Jennifer moved to Little Rock yesterday. In three weeks, I'm moving to Austin-ish. I still haven't really spoken to my family. I don't plan on going to visit them, and it looks like they aren't going to visit me. I'm fine with that.

My hair is getting longer. Its maddening. However, I shall persevere. That, and I'd like to become a red-head in the near future. Or as soon as I can afford it.

I'm going to go and weed-eat my yard, and then pack some more boxes. I need to work on this lack of motivation that I've been experiencing.

Protecting Marriage.

2008-07-26T15:22:00.000-07:00

So Ian and I went to the grocery store this afternoon. When we finished, and as we were walking out to the car, I saw this maroon car. A Saturn, I think. Now, on the bumper there was a sticker for some levy that was up for or was up for voting. Issue One: Protect Marriage.

What?!

I'm eager to assume that whoever owned this vehicle was one of those fantastic, staunch, Conservative Christians. Primarily, that is because those are typically the people who have those view-points.

My problem with that particular stance is this. I grew up in Springfield Ohio. Springfield is the "county chair" of Clark County. [I forgot the proper term, forgive me.] Now, in Clark County, there was a 100% divorce rate. For every marriage performed in one year, there was one divorce.

To me, that's unbelievable.

If we as a country, as a conglomerate whole wanted to protect marriage, instead of denying homosexuals the right to marry, should we not be more concerned with trying really really hard to lower the divorce rate? Even if nationally, 10% of all marriages ended in divorce, should we not be concerned with lowering that further?

That's what I don't understand about this particular issue. Its okay to go through one, two, three divorces, because that's not a sin. [Scoffs.] However, God forbid we give homosexuals any kind of rights regarding marriage. God forbid.

There are times when I'm just ridiculously disgusted with Christians and just Americans in general. This is one of those occasions.

Littlest Lesson 1-

2008-07-25T15:02:00.000-07:00

My cat amazes me sometimes. Its silly, yes I know. However, its still true.

Yesterday, I came home from work. My kitchen was [and has been] a disaster area. There were at least two-dishloads of dishes to be done. So, as a good roomie and woman, I started to get those danged dishes done.
I was in the zone, so to speak. Silverware, cups, bowls, small plates, large plates, pots.

Above "Paris Is Burning" [by the brilliant St Vincent], I heard my kitty meowing. However, it was not her typical meow. No, this was a meow of desperate intention. I peered to see what was going on. To my surprise, she was glued to the back door staring out the window.

As it turned out, there was this mangy stray, yellow male cat taking full advantage of our warm, sun-bathed back porch. He was cleaning himself, and enjoying the glorious afternoon.

And my poor Chloe was being tortured with desire! With envy!

I took what I deemed to be some decent photographs of this event. And I've been thinking about how this small, seemingly insignificant event is so... applicable to almost everything.

Here's this incredibly fat cat who lacks for nothing. She is fed every morning at the same time, much like clock-work. When I come home, I snuggle her fiercely. She has little toys [which she is afraid of, oddly..] and we give her little bitty bits of cat-nip. Every-now and again, I treat her with some canned-cat food. She sleeps wherever she wants. The only "rule" is that she is to be an indoor cat.

Here's this skinny, matted-fur cat. I've seen this cat eating old broccoli in my back yard on numerous occasions. I'm sure that he has had to dodge cars in the dark of the early morning. When it rains, he has no warm shelter.

But in Chloe's big green eyes, this cat has the one thing that she does not have; freedom. Such a huge, yet simple concept. Even though she lacks for nothing, the one thing she does not have is the very thing she'd want. Because the grass has to be greener on the other side. The sun warmer on that side of the door.

I love that we can see these amazing principals being applied in Nature. I really do. Its so enlightening.

If you could have heard the intonation in her meow. The way that she was looking at this feline. The way he returned her gaze. It really was the very picture of perfection. Mmmm. I love my cat, and the littlest thing she shows me.

To Do lists part 2:

2008-07-22T15:21:00.001-07:00

[This is what I've actually got written down in my notebook, not journal or diary, but notebook.]

Stunna Shades! Order from Urban Outfitters; Ian said that I could order something for myself. And its high-time that I try ordering something from the internet... I've never done that... Oooh, I'm getting with the times. And besides, they are on sale for $10, which is super sweet. I'm just tired of not being able to see in the mornings due to that ungodly bright light at 6 in the effing morning.
Check the voice-mail messages. I'm pretty sure that I've got at least 8 messages from the last four weeks... It should take me around 45 minutes to get through and respond to the important messages... I'm definitely not looking forward to this. I absolutely hate checking my mail. [Important note to anyone; if its important, don't leave a message. I will NEVER get to it. I check my voice-mail maybe once a month.]
Schedule an m-effing doctor's appointment! I've got an awkward looking rash developing on my right elbow. It itches, but the burning kind of itch. That, and I'm running low on my inhaler. [Aw shucks, I'm ten years old again.] I would also like to look into getting a prescription of Valium. This moving [along with just about everything from the last 3 years] has taken a pretty serious toll on my emotional health. And besides, sleeping for 12 hours a night can't be that normal...
Phone calls! Along with checking my voice-mail, I should probably get around to returning some calls that have not been returned. Most notably, Emily, Jenn, and my mother. If not, I can wait until the weekend.
Work out a moving budget. Because, OMG how am I going to survive this?! I've got an estimated 3 pay-checks left before I move. I've also got around $1500 worth the silliness to pay for before I move. [This would be the regular bills.] The budget would not only cover financial bits, but also time. What are the things that I would like to see and do before August 21st? I've got to plan for these silly things.
Harass Rep. Bob Corker's scheduler. I have been really really trying to set up a meeting with said representative, but his scheduler hasn't been very helpful. She's not responding to phone calls or emails. So I'm just going to have to step it up a ridiculous notch. Because, no forwarding my concerns to him in lieu of setting up an appointment [like I so nicely requested] will not do.
Track my juice experiment. Let me explain; almost every morning, I stop at Star-Bucks and order a double-tall java-chip frappacino with extra light ice. Almost every morning. But, as you can imagine, that's a lot of fat, a lot of sugar, and a lot of calories. So, I want to see if substituting a Naked juice will have a positive effect on me in the mornings. Something all natural and low in the previously mentioned items. Today, it was terrible. I felt really betchy, and slow. Tomorrow will be better, I swear! That, and the coffee does cost me $5.03 when I order the double tall. If I order the double grande [which I had been doing for a while], it comes up to $5.57 a drink. Its expensive. Juice isn't as expensive...

Okay, so I did check my voice-mail. There were only 7 messages, none of them which needed response. So that's taken care of. I also ordered my sun-glasses. How exciting. Now, I'm just going to figure out what I want for dinner, while I do my photo for 365//Days on Flickr!

Ps, Brandi Carlile is worth checking out, I promise.

Disappointments.

2008-07-19T14:59:00.001-07:00

So I just finished reading "Fast Food Nation" by Eric Schlosser. From what I was told, it would make me want to never ever eat fast food ever again.

That has not been the case, Now, I've never been one to go for fast-food. Sure, the occasional order of french-fries is nice, but its not a habit for me. However, since reading this work, I have been craving nothing BUT french-fries, double cheeseburgers, chicken nuggets, Whoppers, Big-Macs, and everything else imaginable.

Just today, alone, I've gone twice to Burger King for food. Twice. How gross am I?

Basically, the disappointment lies in how this book didn't have the psychological effect on me that was essentially promised. However, it has made me more aware of what my poor cat Chloe is eating when I feed her in the mornings..

The next disappointment lies in the movie "Indiana Jones & The Raiders of the Last Ark". The first one. The one with the melting Germans at the end. Yeah, this was my first time watching anything with "Indiana Jones" in the title. I just couldn't get into it. Not because it was "before my time". I love older movies, in fact.

It was just... Well, it didn't meet my expectations. I didn't think that this film was... very good, for lack of a better description..

Ugh.

Well, tomorrow Ian and I are going to this fantastic used bookstore on 8th avenue, and I'm excited. I am in dire need of some new books. Classics, contemporaries, research-pieces, etcetera. I can't wait to add to our book-collection.

Pitiful ponderings.

2008-07-16T18:01:00.001-07:00

Over the last few weeks, I've been in kind of a blogging-slump. Mostly, its due to the fact that I've been thinking a lot about the many things going on. I've been trying to avoid the whole "Meeeeeeee" blog that has been coming for the last few months.

But it is inevitable.

We're moving. Soon. Much sooner than what was anticipated. Of course, that has meant, as far as today has been concerned, that I've been crying all day. Not just today, either. Just about every time that I think about this whole shindig while alone.

Ugh. I don't want to feel self-pity. I'm scared. I hate new situations with new people; its gotten a lot harder for me to deal with those social-things as I've grown older [I remember when it used to be so easy!]. I feel nervous about Ian's friends liking me. Such a girly-thing. However it does an adequate job of showcasing my self-esteem.

In the spirit of not being such a child, I'm going to list some of the things that are currently making me happy in sorts.

I found out today that one of my favorite books is being made into a movie. I'm excited. The Time Traveler's Wife is coming out in theatres on December 25th, and I do plan on making Ian take me opening night.

There's also the fact that... Ouch, I'm drawing a blank. That could be due to fact that its 9:30, and I still need a shower. I'm sleepy. I'm depressed. And I do plan on getting another strong cry-session out of my system before I pass out.

Oh, good thing- I think that my wisdom teeth are coming in. That means something great, right?

Guilty Pleasures

2008-07-02T19:16:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I've been hearing this song on the radio every morning or so. "Something something shake-shake it something something". But I LOVE it. Why? Still not sure. The only plausible reason I can think of is this:

Its a guilty pleasure.
Pure and simple. And a bad one at that. The kind where I have to torture my Ian-boo, by making him listen to it EVERY time I hear it. AND even asking him if we can go to their [Metro Center; I hate that I know that now] concert on July 5th. Because yes, secretly I want to go, so I can be a little girly girl and dance to some god-awful music.

This has me thinking about other guilty pleasures. I won't touch music, because we're talking about Fergie, The Spice Girls, The Pussycat Dolls and et cetera et cetera.

So now I'm left with the generic brand of Oreo's [Kroger brand preferably] and the Publix peanut butter chunk fro yo. Oh, and I can't forget whole avocados and cottage cheese. Not together.

Then I've got Conservative talk radio. I really like that, but secretly. Hell, I can even get down with Fox News from time to time, as long as I'm alone.

What else, what else.

By God, the worst guilty pleasure of all. Or perhaps not the worst. But most certainly the most time-consuming.

Facebook.

And the applications that I've chosen to add. Which would include the Bumper Stickers, Pieces of Flair, Visual Book Shelf, that Last.Fm application, and the rest of them that I just can't recall. In fact, I have just spent the better part of the last hour browsing Pieces of Flair to send to either Jennifer, Ian or/and Emily Lou Lala. Oh, and of course re-arranging my board. Its so addicting. And embarrassing.

Oh, I love guilty pleasures. Thinking about them makes me miss girly girl nights with my girlfriends back home. Mmm.

Diet

2008-06-24T14:17:00.000-07:00

So, my friend Jessica has been on this "amazing" diet the last month and a half.
It has worked wonderfully for her.

So now, I'm giving it a shot. Twenty-one days. No caffeine. No sugar. No gluten. No animal products [meat, dairy, egg, or anything else essentially]. No alcohol.
Essentially, one is only supposed to eat fruits and veggies. Oh, and long grains are good. Which is great, because I've got some jasmine rice that is delicioussssss.

Today was day one.

Around 8:30 this morning, I felt like death. I'm usually pretty good in the AM, but this morning was another story. So I allowed myself my Starbucks usual. [I'm allowed this one exception for the first few days, I guess?]

Oh, and oddly enough I felt ravenous all day long. All day long. Odd, because I can go a good 18 hours without food of any kind. However, that was most certainly not the case today.

I've only recently gotten home. Within the first ten minutes, I heated up some jasmine rice. I cut an avocado [recent favorites]. I made a spinach salad with a gluten free dressing.

And I cheated.

[again]

We had a leftover slice of pineapple pizza. I just couldn't help myself... And it was so worth it. Although, now, I'm feeling that slight tinge of disappointment in myself. But, tomorrow will be better, I swear!
[Yes, I'm enjoying Stars right now; mmmmm]

I think I'm going to track my progress via this blog. Ian won't let me buy a scale [dang'd thing], so I guess I'll do the clothing thing...

Let us hope for FANTASTIC results!

Between the Lines.

2008-06-22T10:56:00.000-07:00

Last night, Ian and I were just sitting around the house. He was making chili, and I was doing some research. We had watched an episode of Lost [all we have left is the season finale of season 2] and some other stuff that he likes. [Sealab?]

I just wanted to watch a movie. Personally, I wanted to watch the Sweeney Todd film. However instead, we watched Beawolf. [Or however its spelled. Personally, I could care less about it]

Oh. My. Godddd. Okay, first off, I don't really like movies that can be construed in any way as "scary". Seriously. I'm the girlfriend that you'll find hiding underneath the cushions in the couch, because I'm so scared.

But this movie wasn't exactly scary. It was just gory. Which is an amazing feat, as it was animated. I guess it wouldn't have been so bad, were I not trying to eat my delicious chili. But the scenes from the first half hour left me retching.

Luckily, I fell asleep pretty soon after I finished my dinner [another perk for me; I almost always fall asleep during scary movies]. I guess that I'm just lucky that Ian doesn't do scary movies. :-)

On another note; I've been so bored with myself the last few months or so. I've been trying to make a better effort with updating my blog. But I've let my Flickr account go. So, I'm going to seriously give another shot at the 365 Days project. Originally, I was just going to do the 52 Weeks project [Mostly so that Ryan wouldn't call me a narcissistic hippie], but I just can't resist 365 Days! Besides, Ian finished it....

Tonight, I'm making a.. something for dinner. Grilled seasoned fish with Jasmine rice, with an olive salad. I'm pretty excited about it. It all started when I took some of my friends from work with me to Whole Foods [I just love grocery shopping, but I just hate going alone], and I just had to check the sea-food department. I think this is a way for me to compensate for my creative slump. Beh.

I think that my dad has been telling everyone that we've already moved to Texas. Because I keep getting a lot of posts on my Facebook wall concerning that [well, posts, IMs, emails, messages, etc]. I almost wish that this were true. Don't get me wrong; I'm excited about moving to another part of the country and beginning another chapter of my life. However, it feels as if I just moved here. Worse yet; I've only recently adjusted to everything. Between my job and the severe absence of a social-life.. I just worry that it's going to be a hard adjustment again on my part.

Although I'm just being silly. There are so many people that I'm very excited about meeting. I'm pretty intrigued by the number of people who think it necessary to "add" me on various social sites, because of my attachment with Ian... Intrigued and flattered, I should say. But yes, I'm nervous and at the same time, excited.

Change is such a wonderful thing.

Trail Blazing

2008-06-19T17:58:00.000-07:00

So I've been playing phone tag with a representative with Amnesty International the last few days. Today, we finally got a hold of one another, and I was confirmed as a Delegation Leader for my Congressional District.

This is what's going on. Right now, as a conglomerate whole, we are working towards the shutdown of Guantanamo Bay, and the eventual realization of the basic rights as stated by various international laws. This particular project involves meeting with Senators and Representatives and discussing these particular concerns. Mistreatment of detainees, torture, refusal of rights, and the list goes on from there.

I sent in an application, and then did a phone-interview. From there, I was chosen to be a regional representative. Of middle of nowhere middle Tennessee.

The hardest part about what I'm going to do, that I can foresee is the networking aspect. Back home, I at least knew TONS of people who understood what I was talking about when the conversation would take this turn. However, now, I know a whole 2 people who even know what Guantanamo Bay Naval Base is. Its a bit dismal, to say the least, but it brings a challenge for me.

Its a bit exciting, because this grass-roots campaign is exactly what I'd like to get involved with and in. Its small, but it will look good on my resume when I get around to working on that bit.

I'm not naive; I know that I am just one person. One small, young, insignificant person. I understand that the difference that I may make might not be noticeable. Even with that in mind, I'm very excited. I'm excited to be taking a more proactive part in the things that really matter to me.

Moral Questioning in War

2008-06-17T15:16:00.000-07:00

[Picture courtesy of United Press International]

"Is torture necessary?
Perhaps not, but folks- we're at war.."
-Phil Valentine

I was driving home this glorious afternoon, and I was going through my presets. Every now and again, I listen to the Conservative-Talk radio station, and this instance, my good ol' pal Phil Valentine was giving his opinion concerning torture and waterboarding. He, and the rest of the Conservative party believe that waterboarding [and any other torture method] is a completely acceptable means one would use to retrieve information.

I've read in interviews that many people think that waterboarding is a "nice" torture; there's no pain involved- Its a psychological torture. Therefore, its completely acceptable.

The problem is this; it is simulated drowning. As a prisoner, one would be held on his/her back[usually sloped at an angle so as to allow water to flow over your face], while water is poured over your face. I've read that in some occasions, one would have celophane or a towel over your face, as well. Each item prevents or slows the flow of water into your nostrils and mouth.

But really; are we to believe that when this is actually being practiced- by the United States Military or by any other terrorist regime- that the torturer is covering the face? I have a hard time believing that anyone who would employ this practice would use something [anything?] to cover the face.

My problem is this; other countries and other regimes have used this. In 1947, a Japanese officer was sentenced to 15 years of hard labor, because he used waterboarding on a US civilian. Back in 1947, waterboarding was a war crime. Yes, I am aware that this technique [amongst others] was used in the Vietnam war by both sides, and has historically been used for hundreds of years. I would sincerely hope that being a super-power, and being part of an advanced civilization, we, as a country [nay- a species] would be beyond such tactics.

[Granted, those that support this kind of stuff may say something to the effect of "We're at war, and we need to be willing to do whatever it takes to stop these terrorists..." [Which would lead to a blog post of similar nature....] And I do understand; we are at war. There are radical groups and governments that are bent on bringing down the machine that is the United States of America. So don't get me wrong; I'm not a sympathizer. I may be a pacifist, but I do understand our situation. But don't take that to mean that I wouldn't have it another way in a nano-second.. Because I would change this up, all sorts of ways. However, because we are in war, and because there are laws set up to prevent human abuses in times of wars [civilian and military], we do have to be wary of them. As a super-power, we do have to set our standards higher. ]

My second issue with the usage of waterboarding as a means to get information out of a prisoner is that it is accompanied by a confession. The prisoner doesn't give information; the prisoner gives a confession. With that in mind, what good is a confession that is coerced from a prisoner who feel like he/she is dying? That's the thing to keep in mind...

But who am I? I'm just a civilian. Just some young woman with no formal education in the area of using special tactics to elicit information from those big bad terrorists...

Am I alone in this? Taking off the "Liberal" or "Conservative" cloak, what do the people really think about this issue?

Review: Coldplay- Viva La Vida or Death And All His Friends

2008-06-16T15:44:00.000-07:00

I'm listening to the new Coldplay album right now. I've actually been listening to it a lot, especially since the single "Violet Hill" was released for a free download on their website.

I have to say; this is an intriguing album. In my opinion, "Violet Hill" sets the tone for the entire album. Instead of being a more quiet album, or [worse!] a more mainstream piece, it seems like Martin and the gang were aiming for something grandiose. Which, if that were to be the actual case, they hit the mark. Even the title seems to give a clue that this is going to be something wonderfully dramatic.

Listening to the music itself, there is a sweetness to it, that I really can't figure out. According to various websites and sources, the band took to recording some of the tracks in various locations, to include churches in Spain. There seems to be a heavier orchestral influence throughout the album. Something more complex than the traditional Coldplay stuff. I just really dig how exotic the composition is, overall.

Lyrically, there seems to be a new intensity. The songs are full of metaphors, making each song extremely visual. Some of the songs have an airy lightness [Strawberry Swing], while others have a heavier tone [42]. Really, overall, the verbal composition is above par, when compared to some previous works.

Dare I say that this could very well be my favorite Coldplay album [without sounding like an over-zealous emotionally charged 15 year old]? Because, really, it is. I would even venture to say that had I not already downloaded a copy of it, I would buy it.

Etc, Etc, Et Cetera

2008-06-15T17:33:00.000-07:00

I went to the church today. I'm not going to lie; I've never been a fan of liturgical services, but this was nice. The startling thing was how nice the people were.

Because I have never in my life been to a church where the people were so genuinely nice. Between the old ladies taking me by the hand to introduce me to everyone, and the congenial small-group leader and his wife... I'm going to make another trip there next Sunday.

The only con about this was the Worship service. I'll mention once again how I'm not a fan of liturgical services. The hymn thing was so hard for me to get the hang of. But next week, hopefully I won't be so slow on the ball..

On another note, I have applied for an opportunity with Amnesty International. Basically, if given the chance, I would lead a delegation to speak to members of Congress regarding concerns with the naval base at Guantanamo Bay in Cuba. I'm really excited, because this is such a wonderful opportunity for me to get a start on what I want to do with my life.

I should receive a decision either way by June 30th. So my fingers are crossed.

I just finished a book that my mom had given me for my birthday a couple of years ago. Tomorrow, I'll write a review for it. I think that is a direction I'd like to take my blogging. I'm a consumer, and whether its books or music or restaurants... I'd like to start reviewing little things here and there.

Maybe I'll do a review for the new Coldplay album, Viva La Vida, Or Death & All His Friends. I've had a copy of it for a couple of weeks now, and I've been listening to it extensively. The album will be commercially released this Tuesday, so you know, how appropriate, right?

So Long, Lonesome

2008-06-14T18:00:00.000-07:00

I, for the first time since moving 6-7 hours away from Ohio, am going to church tomorrow.

The radical part is this; I am going to a Baptist church.

Tell me about it.

But see, here's the deal--
I love Ian. He is such a wonderful friend to have. I really do enjoy my job, in spite of all of the things I have to put up with. I greatly enjoy my family, even though... However, none of that is enough for me anymore. Quite honestly, it hasn't been enough for me for a long time.

The easiest way for me to put it is this--
My soul is tired. It's weary. And sometimes, it even hurts.

At first, I naively thought that the remedy would be to just simply relax on the weekends, and I've faithfully done so for quite some time.

So tomorrow, I'm doing something I'm utterly afraid of doing; I'm going to a strange church, filled with strangers. I'm going to sit through the service and perhaps even become involved in the worship.

And maybe, just maybe- My soul won't be so weary this week...

Three out of Five.

2008-06-13T13:02:00.000-07:00

Alright, I got off of work ridiculously early today. Think before 11 o'clock. I decided that a surprise lunch visit was in order, because who doesn't love surprise lunches, right?

I decided, after Tossed was thrown out [cleverly avoiding a terrible pun] and Wolfgang Puck was quickly dismissed, that we should go to Royal Thai.

This place has been voted the best Thai restaurant in Nashville. So I was excited. That, and I'd been wanting to try something.. different. And Thai-food fits the bill. Thus, my excitement.

Looking through the menu, my excitement began to build and build. There were so many options! The waiter [who was most certainly not Taiwanese!] came once again to our table to ask if we were ready to order. On a whim, I ordered a noodle dish that was sure to not be spicy.

My food was brought out roughly ten minutes later. And it was a soup.

A

Soup.

And it tasted like Ramen noodles. I kid you not. It was so disappointing. All of my excitement left me in a state of utter despair. I couldn't finish my dish, because it was so terrible. Carrot bits [the frozen kind, of course. Definitely not fresh] and peas [ditto]. There were chopped scallions, so that added a nice touch, however it wasn't enough to offset how bad this was.

Granted, Ian's dish was pretty good, in spit of the fact that it was so dang'd spicy... For that, I relent a little. Maybe I'll just have to go back and try a rice-dish. Noodles really didn't suit me.

How about this:

2008-06-10T17:56:00.000-07:00

Last night, Representative Dennis Kucinich [Dem-Ohio] took to the floor to state his case for the impeachment of our beloved President, George W. Bush. He gave 35 articles supporting his case, with several of those articles directly pertaining to human rights.

I'm incredibly interested in how this will turn out. I'm a huge supporter of Dennis Kucinich. Senator Barack Obama may be the candidate for Change, but Kucinich is the candidate for Peace, which is the direction we should be steering ourselves in. Change is good, don't get me wrong, however, given the direction society has been going, we should be working to build a strong, stable, reliable foreign policy.

It nearly pains me to see how America has lost its stance on the world-scene. We are a joke, as far as our Foreign Policy. This war with Iraq is destroying us in every way possible. We have made a mockery of Human Rights, denying then openly flaunting our torture practices. We have allowed our President to seize our Constitutional rights, all in the name of protecting us from unnamed "terrorists". We have allowed everything we own to be searched and seized, just in case.

I remember when our formal Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez testified in Congress about his involvement with denying prisoners Habeas Corpus, because foreign citizens didn't have any rights, because they were susupected terrorists. This, and so many other things have happened and have been allowed to happen under Bush's presidency.

I'm excited about something being done, finally. Yes, I know that this is not the first time someone has attempted to bring charges against Pres Bush or his staff for impeachment. Except, this time I think that there will be expert testimony to help something be done to rectify our mistake in allowing the war in Iraq to have even started in the first place.

I openly congratulate Representative Dennis Kucinich for taking the steps necessary to protect the rights of Americans and citizens abroad. I congratulate Rep Kucinich for being the voice of the smaller citizen like myself. I congratulate him for protecting our Constitution so that future generations may know that the actions of similar administrations will not be tolerated.

This will most certainly be something worth following. I'm going to try to seriously post updates and personal commentaries concerning the impeachment process, at least as much as I can...

2008-05-26T19:57:00.000-07:00

Okay, so last night, Ian and I went and saw Bell X1 in concert. They played at this little bitty bar [3rd & Lindsey]. The first opening act was terrible. He closed with this "sewing machine" song, that was actually on his iPod. It was interesting, but terrible.

And then, there was a gorgeous surprise. This local artist, Brooke Waggoner continued the show. She has this sweet, child-like voice, and played the piano with such intensity... It was amazing. So much so, that I can honestly say that I can't wait for her full-length album to come out. And actually, as of now, I'm downloading her EP, Fresh Set of Eyes. Ahhhh!

Finally, the headlining act. Bell X1. They opened with Shine For You. And should have closed with Flame. We left a little early, due to the fact that I had to be up for work early as usual.

The show was actually part of this Sunday live-music thing. So of course the radio DJ was there. And after Bell X1 had fulfilled their radio-time obligation, they continued their set. We stayed for a few extra songs, and it was amazing.

All in all, it was a nice night out. Ian makes things like that so enjoyable.

What Do You Think?

2008-05-26T17:36:00.000-07:00

http://www.bushflash.com/14.html

Seriously, just think about it for what it is.

Whew!

2008-05-22T18:02:00.000-07:00

So I went and had my eyes checked this week. I might have a thyroid problem, which would be the primary cause of my vision problems. [There is a millimeter difference between where my eyes sit]
So now I've got to make a doctor's appointment to get a basic check-up. And then, I'm supposed to head off to a specialist to have those suckers checked out.
Beh.

Buuuut, my glasses are cuuuuuute! [I've got to get the pictures up.] Things are so much more clear. How wonderful. You know?

What else...

I'm very happy that the Texas courts ruled that Child Protective Services had no right to take the children from their mothers. Incredibly happy. I was totally against the raid, from the get-go. Not because I agree with polygamy, or with underage marriages. But because I believe that there should be a laissez-faire approach when it comes to government intervention in Citizen lives.
You'd better believe that there is no way on Earth that I'd give up my Constitutional rights because our fear-less leaders want to protect America from those terrible terrorists. Because I truly think that this current administration needs to be held accountable for what they've done. Between torture behind closed doors and wire-tapping without a warrant, I'm pretty adamant about keeping my rights as an American citizen. Fear-mongering is wrong. Keeping American citizens under the thumb, by means of elevated terror-threat levels should be considered a crime.
But I digress. The government should have a very small, minimal role in the lives of the average citizen.

And that's why I'm glad that the Texas courts ruled as they did. Now, hopefully, those children will be returned to their mothers in a timely manner, before they experience real abuse at the hands of their foster-families.

[Having actually spent time in foster homes as a child, I am completely within my rights to say what I say about how terrible foster homes actually are.]

What else...

So Obama is looking for a potential Vice-Presidential running mate. Hm... So that probably means the cat is in the bag, so to speak. I'm not sure how I feel about that. Because, yeah, I'm very likely going to vote for one of those obscure third-party candidates. Mostly because my primary concern is the state of our Foreign Policy- policy.

And finally...
Ian and I ordered Chinese take-out for pick-up. So, we waited for ten minutes to go and pick it up. And then, I waited TWENTY minutes. To walk away angry and without my General Tso's and green beans.
And now I'm going to bed without my Chinese food. And sadly, too.

Nashvillest

2008-05-17T20:12:00.000-07:00

Okay, so Ian and I went to the Nashville Zoo at Grassmere last weekend. I got around to posting some of the photos from that on my Flickr.

That night, I received an invite for a group; Nashvillest. From there, I discovered a contest. A photography contest. Of things around Nashville.

So of course I decided to jump on the boat. Besides, I've been pretty blahhhhh as far as picture-taking goes. Just bored. And tired. And feeling pretty UN-creative.

But now, I'm pretty excited about this. Perhaps I'll catch a new wind of sorts. I posted a few photos, and have received quite a few votes. I'm so pleasantly surprised! The prize is this; the selected photos would be put into a coffee-table book.

OH!!! And tomorrow-- Ian, Ryan and I are going to the Tennessee Rennaissance Festival! I'm pretty excited. I am not quite sure if they are as excited as I am.... Nothing says "Middle Ages" like meat on a stick, you know?

Okay, so yeah- I've lived in Nashville since the beginning of December, right? And I've only been to ONE concert since making the move. ONE. That's it. I'm so dissapointed in myself! Granted, the primary reason for not making it to any amazing shows [Regina Spektor {!!!!}, Stars, Sonic Youth, Matt Nathanson, Eisley, and the list goes on and on...] is because I've got an actual adult job. One that requires me to be up entirely too early in the mornings. This whole adult thing totally isn't working out for me, by the way.

Ingrid Michaelson is playing at the Exit/In on June 9th. I'm sooooo going to it. AND making Ian go with. Nothing says "epic chick love" like a girly folk concert. Mmmm.

New Music

2008-05-04T16:34:00.000-07:00

St Vincent Marry Me. This hipster in a Posh Boutique recommended this album, and I was skeptical at first. However, after listening to this for quite a while at once, I must say that it was a worth-while purchase. She does all of her own instrumentals, which is pretty sweet. My favorite track is "Jesus saves, I spend". Its just quircky, and pretty, and interesting, all at once.

Okay, so I was at Books A-Million this weekend, and I was reading an article concerning the release of the new Death Cab For Cutie album. Yeah, I had been kind of keeping up with everything, but this weekend was it for me. I came straight home, and downloaded Narrow Stairs. And I must say, IT IS WONDERFUL! Yes, its true; it deviates from their previous work. But in a good way. Their first single, "I will Possess Your Heart" is a bit over 8 minutes and every second of it is great. [I'm not going to lie; listening to this, I was reminded a bit of the Yo La Tengo album "I'm Not Afraid Of You & I Will Beat Your Ass" ] I, personally, can't wait for the single release. The album is due out [in case you've yet to hear] on May 13th, so go and get it!

Oh yeah. Chris Walla's Field Manual. I mentioned this on Emily Ogden's blog, a while back ago, and I'm still listening to it. I guess I'm a sucker for small releases. :-) But its a pretty good album, through and through. I had never heard anything from Chris Walla, so I was pleasantly surprised. Granted, his song-writing capabilities don't quite compare to Gibbard's. Its just a nice... quiet album. And I like that. I really like that.

And finally, Yann Tiersen. He would be remembered for his work on the soundtrack for Amelie. His anthology is quite impressive. I downloaded everything. And it has been perfect for me. Nice and classical and even French. Yes, that's what I said; French. Its glorious. It has been in nearly constant rotation these last few weeks. There's no way that I could pick a favorite track... There is just so much to choose from. Seriously.

That's really all that I can come up with right now.
Just a quick update on some things..

Ian and I are in the awkward process of moving things around, in the sense of the wedding. There is a GLORIOUS chance that we'll be moving to Texas. And soon, too. Our lease is up June first, so that leaves almost no time for the decision. Its not ours, trust me. As nervous as I am about moving and starting over again, for the second time in less than a year... I'm pretty excited, too. Ian has a lot of friends, and I'm girly like that; I can't wait to meet them. However all of this comes with a price. We have to put our [myyyyyy] wedding on hold for the time being, and that has come with me crying. A lot. But this may be better, all around...

Desk-top Zone

2008-04-06T20:03:00.001-07:00

I saw Josh's post about cluttered desk-tops, and couldn't resist..
I'm kinda anal about folders; I am CONSTANTLY putting crap into them. [Even at home too; I have a folder for everything.]

I don't have a lot on my desk-top and the few things that are on there are useless items.

I don't feel too disorganized now.

Updates?

2008-04-05T20:24:00.000-07:00

To start this off- my keyboard is broken. The entire bottom level is out. And that blows. Fortunately I'm getting used to the on-screen-keyboard..... Maybe I will get a new one....
My beloved cat has been returned to me. She's a lot fatter than I remember her being. But she is just as moody.
I absolutely LOVE getting the grocery shopping done at WHOLE FOODS. We recently had one open on the East side of Nashville. I just really enjoy going and getting everything.. PLUS its organic and delish.
Austin [San Antonio?] is looking like a beautiful option... Just saying.

I wish that my blogging hadn't taken a turn for the vague, its just that this little bit has taken 4 songs to type, and that is unacceptable.

This week:

2008-02-22T14:56:00.001-08:00

1- The parking garage opened at work. It now costs $16 a day just to be at work. Talk about crazy. I paid the fee for two days, and have decided that from here on out, I will be parking two blocks away at the hospital. Fingers are crossed that my car never gets towed.

2-I changed my phone number. Again. Sorry. I'm just not down with the roaming thing. I moved over to T-Mobile. I have the whole "My Faves" now, so that will make a big difference in things. And I got a new phone. Its cute. One of those "music" phones. Awww, snap.

3- If I'm driving and I'm sleepy, I like to listen to conservative talk radio. [Sue me.] The other day, this very racist, very bigoted man called to talk about something. So, get this-- I CALLED the show! Oh my gosh. That's right. I called a radio talk show, and shared my opinion concerning "different families". It was so exhilarating. [Spell check?] I might start doing it more...

4- Ian and I are going out to dinner with my friend Casper tonight. I'm excited. He's such a sweetie. :)

5- Last night, instead of using soap to wash my hands, I squeezed out a good sized blob of tooth-paste.... I'm not sure where my head is at. I'm a bit worried... Maybe I shouldn't have missed my doctors appointment last week...

6- Oh, and last weekend, we went to Ohio to see my family.. It was so nice. My nephew is the most beautiful thing on earth. It was SO wonderful to spend that small bit of time with everyone. We are having the very talented Emily Ogden do the photography for the wedding. I'm very excited about that, in itself. :)

But I've got to get things taken care of before I leave.. Next time!

Work.

2008-02-02T18:48:00.001-08:00

Yesterday at work, Brandi forgot her hat, so Daniel made her wear a hair-net. Here's the proof.

Work has been... Trying. Monday and Tuesday, everything is wonderful. However, by Wednesday, I've lost my willpower. Wednesday, I'm thinking... I'm going to quit my job and become a musician. Or artist. Or hippie. And then by Thursday, its just like.. Okay, the weekend is just around the corner.. I just want to get used to the schedule. Which is so funny, because my schedule is set. Its 7-3 m-f. How wonderful!

Lists of sorts.

2008-01-29T15:16:00.000-08:00

1- I missed my exit the other day, as I was coming home from work. So instead of turning around immediately, I decided to ride the street out for as long as I could. I hit "Music Row". Boy, I can't wait for my birthday... So many cool places that I know I have to be 21 to enter... Tons of shops and places of the likes. I also found this "Global Cafe", so when I get paid [and budgeted!] I'll check it out.

2- Ian and I went to a Buddhist temple on Sunday. It was one of those things I had always wanted to see and see what it was like. My biggest problem with it was this: They pray to their teachers before they do anything else. I just couldn't do that. Even if I wanted to, I couldn't. And that, I tell you, is the greatest thing on earth. Because its nice to know that I don't have to go around and prod for things. How do I explain it... Sometimes I'm not sure about my heart, and its good to know that its still soft. I'd go again, if it were more about meditation and less about prayers to dead folks.

3- LOST had its fourth season premier tonight. I, however, was not allowed to watch it. I recently introduced Ian and Ryan to LOST, this past week. Ian and I are on episode four of the first season, so he's got quite a ways to go, in order to catch up. Its so strange; these guys have their own rules when it comes to telly shows. They have to watch the "new" shows together. Like with Heroes; they wouldn't watch the episode if the other wasn't there. And that's cool. No spoilers. But, sheesh, its a betch! [Yes, a betch]

Oh, and a few random notes:
1- Sometimes when that song with the lines "She had the baggy sweat pants/and the reeboks with the straps/she turned around and gave that big booty a slap" comes on, I don't change the radio station. But only sometimes.

2- Everytime it rains, the traffic just stops, and people drive like morons. And it pisses me off. It took me almost two hours to get home tonight from work. Two stinking hours. Sometimes, the drivers here are worse than the drivers in Ohio. Sometimes.

3- I'm trying to eat more green, leafy things. For lunch, the last few days, I've made a "specialty salad". Mushrooms, spinach leaves, organic dark green leaves, kalamata olives, purple onions, and low-fat balsamic vinagerette dressing. Its quite delicious. And filling. I don't know, I just think that I need to start eating better. I need to eat more vegetables. So I'm trying to do better now.

4- I have my first "real" doctor appointment in YEARS in a few weeks. I'm nervous. Ian wants to go with me, just in case I'm scared. So cute. I hope that all is well with my innerds.

5- We've got a meeting with the reps from Cheekwood this weekend. Fingers are crossed. In my opinion, a lot is riding on all of this. A lot. So we'll see how things turn out.

Lists.

2008-01-26T19:32:00.000-08:00

1- I ate an entire package of Double-Stuf Oreos today. Mostly on my own. I think that Ian had 3 or 4 of them. That's right. I did it. Although to offset the crap-feeling I knew that I'd have, I ate the second half of the Oreos with water. [No, I don't dip the Oreos in the water, that'd be gross.]

2- I talked to my mom today. She called me the "hero-child", and I guess that it makes sense. We talked a lot about some pressing personal issues. It was nice. There are some things that I really can't talk to others about, but sometimes, I can talk to my momma-bear about. And I'm proud of being the "hero-child" because its a lot better than being the problem child or the spoiled one, or etc.

3- I'm going to a Buddhist temple tomorrow. Its different, and I'm sorta excited. Its primarily a meditation thing, which is fine with me. Ian and I have our differences when it comes to religion and spirituality. But I can handle Buddhism. In my opinion, if Christianity and Buddhism were infused, it would form the perfect religion.

4- My mom, Emily, Trinadette, and Dave may be coming to visit me this next weekend. I'm quite excited. I've really missed them, especially Emily. There will be sushi and gyros and martinis and wedding dress shopping! I love it! There are some wedding dress shops that I've yet to visit, and so this will be a grand occassion to share with them.

5- MOST importantly! The season premier of LOST is gonna be showing on Thursday. So excited about that. I got Ian and Ryan hooked on The Office [which, by the way we are watching it right now!] and soon enough, I'm going to have them hooked on LOST! Ahhh! But I have to get them caught up on it. So right now, I'm downloading all three seasons of it. Talk about sweet.

And until next time.

Am I alone in this.

2008-01-08T11:29:00.000-08:00

Once a month, right?

I went home for Christmas. By home, I mean that I went back to Ohio. It doesn't really feel like home for me anymore. I wasn't even at my destination yet, and the drama had already started. Its so strange, because it isn't really ever "drama", because its so.. typical.
But it was nice to surprise everyone. I kind of wish that I would have used a little fore-thought in the planning, however. I mean... I wish I would have at least had a gift or two to give. Oh well, perhaps next year...

I only saw Emily. I didn't get together with Slocomb. I didn't see Stephanie, Fazio, or any of my other friends. I guess that I liked that bit. But that comes down to something different, entirely.

New Years was wonderful. I really didn't do anything. The three of us [Ian, and his brother Ryan] stayed home and had drinks and pizza, and played Scrabble. [I'm a champ.] We started the new year with a champagne toast and a movie. It was so low-key. So nice. So different than the last year...

Oh, and most importantly. I got engaged. Ian proposed, I accepted, chaos ensued. I'm happy. He's happy. His family is happy. Most of my family is happy. That's nice. But we're all alone with this. He and I are isolated in the sense that when it comes to planning all of this, the only help that we'll receive will be the help we get from one another. Talk about stress. I'm kind of sad over all of it, because I don't have a girl-friend or my mom to help me with things like my dress and colors and other girly things. Although, Ian is magnificant. He did meet me at a bridal shop to look at dresses. [We ended up picking one out that we both LOVED.] Every bit of this is quite surreal, and I'm just waiting for that silly feeling to go away. But I can't help but be super excited and quite happy.

But its just weird.

Our faces split the coast in half.

2007-12-10T12:02:00.000-08:00

I'm so shaky and I hope that its just the caffeine hitting me. [First cup of coffee in a week and a half, you know.]

I moved. Out. Away.
There's a sobering thought.

I want to rationalize my actions. I want to analyze them. Figure out everything. The mechanics. Motives. All of that.

I'm silly. There's a big part of me that really believes [and believed] that by moving 300 miles away, every little problem I've got is just going to magically disappear. And I know that moving out, and living so far away from my family's protective netting is only going to make things harder. I really don't think that I was prepared for it. But I'm impatient and I couldn't not do it. You know?

I've been so moody and sad. For months now. And so I rationalize everything by telling myself that a change in scenery will do me so much good. [Grammar error!!]

Ugh, I don't know.
Its been a week, and the shine still hasn't worn off.
I like it here. I like that its not Springfield.
I like that there's a sushi restaurant 10 minutes away, and that there's a Mediterranean grocery store 20 miles away...

I called my family yesterday. It was the first time that I'd spoken to any of them since I left. Granted, that's only one week. David tells me that my mother has been crying "real tears" because I'm gone. My sister tells Ian that she misses me. Zachery spams my Facebook wall because he doesn't have anyone to play in the snow with him. My dad and I email almost every day. That's nice.

I guess... I really really really hope that I learn to appreciate my family more now that I'm gone. And I hope for the same in return.

Its so strange. Living with two people. Two boys, nonetheless. They're so different from each other, and both are so very different than me. I was very worried for a while about what people would "think" when it was found out that I was living with two guys. [One of which I'm involved with.] Have I not changed since middle school? Why am I still so worried about what the good ol' church folk might think about what I may or may not be doing?

Of all people, my dad encouraged me to do this. Knowing who I would be living with. Knowing everything he does. He told me that this would be the best thing for me. Of all people. [If anyone had any idea how big of a deal that really is....] So why? Why the worry?

Ugh.
I'm still a kid. I still need reassurance. Encouragement. Edification.

More than useless.

2007-11-17T19:51:00.000-08:00

Ugh, I had a post going. I was starting to pour out my heart. For the first time in too long.

I'm so frustrated with everything and everyone. I wish I could just dissapear. Just walk away. Just lose my identity and persona and start over where absolutely no one has a clue who I am. How unfair is that to the ones that love me? To the ones that I love?

Am I becoming selfish? I have always wanted to do the things that show people how selfless I am. However, no matter which way that I turn, I'm told how selfish I really am. Its so devastating.

I'm supposed to move in with Ian soon. He'd like me to be there tonight. I can't be there until after the new year, because of employment commitments. That's selfish of me. Its selfish of me to stay. Its selfish of me to leave.

I'm so utterly lonely. And I know that if I talk to anyone in my life about how I feel, and whats going on with me, they'll want to smother me because I'm so pathetic. Its maddening, because I'd love to be happy. I really desire that deep down joy that just doesn't leave. And its so unattainable. Just out of my grasp.

Sherry says that our problems are always our own making. And perhaps that's true. Perhaps I'm miserable because I make myself miserable. Perhaps I've stuck myself here. I've made this bed, and its time to lay in it... Right?

Its just.... My mom doesn't want me. My boyfriend isn't happy with me. My grandparents want me out. My dad wants me to find Jesus. My siblings just want me when its convenient for them. My friends have better things to do. Blah blah blah blah. I'm pathetic, and you should all feel sorry for me.

Sometimes, I think about Andy. He was frustrating, too. But he was.. Something. He did his best to love me and to control me. He wanted to make all of the decisions- do what was best for us. Whatever. But I hated that. See, I need to test the waters, and by doing so, I drove him away. I looked for a way out.

He and Ian are so much alike, it scares me when I dwell upon it. They're alike, but they're so radically different. How does that work out? I guess... Andy was driven. He had high expectations out of life and out of me. Ian... Well, he is comfortable with Love. I don't know what he expects of me. Well- he expects me to remain faithful. And that's not unreasonable. But other than that, I don't know.

I'm worried that no matter what, I'll never make anyone happy. That when Ian and I live together, he's going to discover how miserable I make him. That when I get married, my husband won't be happy no matter what I do. That I'll never have my parents' approval. That when my time comes, God won't have any love left for me. Its becoming a real fear of mine. I suppose its more rational than most of my other fears.

But its a scary fear for me. Scary, because never before has my happiness seriously depended on the happiness of others. I've never needed for my parents to approve or support me in order to be happy. Not like I need it now. And I'm afraid. Always afraid. Always sad and upset and anxious and afraid. Always something that no one can help me with.

I bury myself in politics and global affairs and work and music and love. All so that I'm not focusing on my own short-comings. My huge short-comings. And then when I go to bed, as I lay there, I'm covered in it. I've got no peace. Any peace I could have is chased away by fear and rejection and anxiety and stress and danger and frustration.

I wish I had better friends whom I could talk to and cry with. I wish I didn't push them all away.

Take me somewhere nice.

2007-10-15T10:17:00.000-07:00

Over the past few years, I've gone through these stages. Quiet times. I can think of no other way to put it, other than just that; these stages that I go through are quite literally quiet times. In today's world, I think that we could all use a little bit of quiet time. Turn the music down, take a moment, breathe deeply, think.

I've been a steady blogger for years now. And I can see these quiet times manifested in my blogs. I can see where I've been quiet. Right now-- I'm going through a quiet time. I'm receding. I'm taking that time to think about things, and to listen. To listen more than I talk...

I feel as if over the last week, my life has stopped. I had a plan. A life-plan. And it was set in motion. I was at peace with it. I felt that it was "right". However, I guess that it wasn't... I guess that God has a different road for me to travel. I hope that is the case. I hope that He's the one that's changing the wheels and directions of all of this. I don't want control. I want to be guided, and that's such a refreshing desire for me..

My mother and I had what she would deem a healthy mother-daughter discussion. [Except with every discussion we ever have, it ended in anger.] Basically.... She thinks I'm on the verge of a mental collapse. Who knows-perhaps she's completely correct. I mean, lets face it... I've had a very rough time over the past two years. I've been confronted with so many harsh situations that personally, I'd hate to ever relive...

But the problem is this: Anytime she ever wants to "discuss" something, she treats me like one of her effing McHall projects. And I am everything but a project that she can work on while she's not at work. It, quite frankly, hurts me. Of course, she brought up the ageless point that its my fault, because I'm missing her intentions... My oh my... Where have I heard that one before...

Ugh. I swear, I'm sick because of this. Yes, my family situation is starting to make me physically ill. Since I've been home, I've been experiencing some strange symptoms.. Extreme light-headedness followed by nausea. Everyday. And its getting worse. I have, up until today, managed to do my very best to not vomit. However today, I puked in several public restrooms. When I talked to Zachery about this, he asked me if I was pregnant. I had to laugh. No, never, ever, and not now. [insert shudder]

I think its just the fact that I'm home and no one really wants me home. Now, they're presented with an unexpected problem- Me. Its a horrible position to be in, let me tell you..

But on a FANTASTIC note-- I've lost ten pounds. Yes. Ten pounds. Another five, and I'll be at my first target weight... I'm going to get to my goal no matter what.

Yup, that's right... I've got goals.

Your slurred medieval accent was like a puddle in my eyes..

2007-09-27T15:18:00.000-07:00

I remember my friend, Nathan's post about being "scary".

Good lord, that's exactly how I feel anymore. I feel so directionless. Like life-as I know it- is passing me by, and there is not a single thing I can do to stop it from doing so, or even to catch up to it.

As of Tuesday, October 2nd, I am supposed to leave for San Antonio. As I was out-processing this morning, I learned that this may very well be hindered from becoming. As it turns out, I need a medical waiver because of why I'm on Depo-Provera. [This is where I open mouth and insert foot...] I should have lied and said that I am on it for birth control, rather than telling the authorities that I have been on it because I have a horrendous cycle. Had I gone that route, everything would be set to go. I'd be in Nashville right now, spending a few days with my boyfriend, Ian. But nope. Not today. Hopefully, hopefully, HOPEFULLY tomorrow, I'll be on the road.

I'm rightfully freaking out, because this entire process [beginning back in October of 2006] has been very... trying as far as faith goes. It has felt that God has opened the doors long enough to shut them. He's teased me enough to get my hopes up, and then shut off all opportunity.

I know that this is so very wrong of me. I am in no place to even begin to question His will for me. Especially when I take into consideration the kind of life I've lived this last year. I have made it a wanton priority to do what I want, instead of listening to His voice and heeding His advice. I mean, the way I've always looked at it, one has to do in order to get. [Although, that's also due partly as a result to the way I was raised.]

Anymore, I'm not sure what's right and what's wrong. In the sense that... I've got a few wonderful things going on, but at the same time... There are things about them that make me question their... Something. [I've lost the word here.] And then there are the "bad" things that I would think are... well- bad. Except they feel so right. Not the "feeling" feel, but deep down in my soul, I don't feel like anything is wrong. I'm not convicted. But that doesn't really mean anything, does it?

Ugh, I need a hug. Seriously. I may even need to watch a comedy. [Eep!]